Blue Like Jazz, part 2

This is the second half of the BLUE LIKE JAZZ piece I was writing – if anybody cares --

--Tuesday, Dec. 27


Well, the eating frenzy has continued. I am fat. Next subject…

Today the weather was beautiful…it was sunny and got up to about 50, so I spent a lot of the day outside hiking around, up to the top of the mountain and down to the lake. Adam’s Uncle, Aunt, brother and fiance, and cousins are here, so I am really “that guy” being the dark skinned non-family member, just hanging around the house…but I make them laugh so I’m hanging in there…Oh yea, and Adam passed out in the bathroom last night. Poor guy…

Anyways, I’m just about done with Blue Like Jazz, and I’ve sort of been scared lately of the material. It’s a great read and I think I can relate to it a little too much actually. The reason it’s kinda scary is because it isn’t the Bible, and I do a lot of the things that Miller says are fine, and I’m not really sure that they are.

Anyways…on page 60…really good stuff, and relatable for me because it is something I went through in a similar fashion, as I’m sure many people experience. Miller says:

“I seemed to have been provided answers to questions I had yet to ask, questions that God sensed or had even instilled in the lower reaches of my soul. The experience of becoming a Christian was delightful.”

He goes on in the next paragraph to say that he doesn’t feel Joy is long term – that it is a temporal thing. This is what scares me. The Bible teaches us that Christ can provide us with lasting joy, and I have been trying and trying to experience this joy, but I feel exactly as Miller does…it comes in spurts, and never lasts; however, it always comes back. I wasn’t sure at first if this was an acceptable conclusion to draw from God’s love, but I think it is. Why do I become unsatisfied, or why am I not always comfortable with this “lasting” joy that I am promised? Because I screw it up – I think about the times that I am not joyful, and those are the times that I fall into temptation, and feel distanced from God. God wants to give me joy, and I have to let him.

Anyways, back to the quote above. Miller said that “the experience of becoming a Christian was delightful.” Absolutely. I can’t remember a time feeling more joyful then that moment when I became a Christian in Wichita, KS. I was new! I was forgiven – I was part of a Kingdom that was built, and it was so easy. While I have been more satisfied in recent days than back then, I have yet to experience that level of joy again…which worries me. It should be easy right? My problem is a little bit of pride, and a little bit of unacceptance. I don’t lack this feeling of joy because of my lack of faith, its because of my disgust with myself. In order for us to be fully satisfied in God we have to realize that we are going to screw up, and we have to accept the grace of God…which means I need to accept God’s forgivness of me. It’s hard to do, but in the words of Brooks & Dunn, “it’s getting’ better all the time.”

On page 86, he gives a brief explaination of his view on love, and having been infatuated emotionally and physically with girls before(or I guess I should say "women" now as I've learned - since they tur 16 they dont like to be "girls" anymore - of course my mom loves it when I call her a girl because it makes her feel younger!), as many of us are, I can relate. When I first became a Christian, as I said, I was happy. I did nothing about it. 2-3 years went by before I really understood what it meant to be happy. I let emotions, pride, “lack of” humbleness, get in the way. One thing I feel I did do well is to love others, something that has resonated deep within me for as long as I can remember…and now it has such more meaning.

Anyways, for the last year I’ve been trying to discipline myself in my spiritual life – trying to set time aside to pray, read the word, etc. But it didn’t really change my behavior. I learned more, sure, but let’s be honest – about 99% of the time I know what I’m supposed to and not supposed to do, and reading the Bible wasn’t going to change that, but I knew I was supposed to be reading the Bible - So I did. I then think about the way I behave in general. I am always me. I used to actually take pride in who I was – before I was a Christian. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and loved doing that. I wanted to be me, but that meant being somebody else. Does that make sense? Miller wrote and it struck me…as I said before, I’ve went through so many of these phases:

“Everybody wants to be fancy and new. Nobody wants to be themselves. I mean, maybe people want to be themselves, but they want to be different, with different clothes or shorter hair or less fat. It’s a fact. If there was a guy who just liked being himself and didn’t want to be anybody else, that guy would be the most different guy in the world and everybody would want to be him.” The thing is, no human can accomplish this. Jesus Did, but although we want to, we can’t. For me, I didn’t want to be myself, I wanted myself to be different than anybody else…I just wanted to be what everybody else wasn’t. But that wasn’t who I was, that was who I was trying to be.''

If I had feelings of love come over me, for a woman, do you think I changed my behavior? Maybe not entirely, but of course I did…come on now. The stare of a beautiful woman’s eyes that you have strong feelings for can level you, there is no denying it. Anybody who says “no woman is going to change me” is out of their mind, or they have never really cared about a woman. She won’t necessarily change who you are, but you better believe you are going to act different. Even if it’s just "not feeling good" when your friends are going out(to maybe do something with her of course), or paying attention to how you smell, how you eat, or even buying something for yourself without noticing that woman at home who you adore and who adores you, and putting her needs before your own. And it’s a wonderful feeling.

Miller uses the analogy of Lucentio’s pursuit of Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew"(Shakespeare), one of my all-time favorites. If you haven’t read it and love sappy love stories(its funny too), it’s a great lesson. Kindness, patience, and love are all that is needed to win his bride. That's it - sounds easy doesn't it - yea right. These things make me think of my relationship with God, and how I can allow my behavior to change because of Him. I couldn’t change my behavior on my own for anything…Even when I was disciplining myself. But falling in love accomplished all of that for me. When I began to fall in love with a woman, my behavior changed. You realize that another person’s needs are so much more important than your own, and that you actually want to please them. That is what Miller says we need to do with God.
“By accepting God’s love for us, we fall in love with Him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey.”

The reason this scared me is because this lesson isn’t something that can be accomplished through the Word, or just through prayer, although it helps. I have to accept God’s love. That’s all. If I do that, I fall in love with him, and realize the importance of Him and put His needs, and therefore essentially every other person’s needs, for my own. Now that is a goal worth striving for. I want that fuel. I need that fuel.

Miller’s last 2 sentences in chapter 7 is beautiful…especially the last line.

“In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar’s kingdom is better than a proud man’s delusion.” random fact: the picture of shakespeare is the only one of him known to exist - all others are adaptations or recreations of this Yea i know, who cares