Neil - Changes and Growth

Growing and Discerning...After the Heart of God

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

GEEZ it's been so long since I've updated the good 'ol blog! I've moved to Kansas City to take the job I interviewd for with WESCO international. It's going great, I just moved into a great house and am learning as quickly as I can. I start an intensive learning program today, even though I've pretty much been doing my job the past couple weeks(THROWN into the fire, quite literally. You really learn quick when you learn through your own screw ups!)

One of my big challenges in moving here, as I knew it would be, would be to find a church as comfortable as St. Stephens was for me in Sewickley, PA. I loved it there, and more importantly loved the people there, which is the most important thing to me. I've been attending "Heartland Community Church" since I've arrived, going on Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights. It's been decent - All of the services are contemporarty, some were actually all prayer services(Tuesday nights), which was nice. But the church has adopted a "Go" mission statement as they are in the process of moving buildings, and seem to be pushing this new transitional phase greatly. It seems great if I were a part of the church already and involved, but I'm not, so at times I feel uncomfortable.

SO...

I went to a new church - recommended by a Mentor I've met with per recommendation of Peter Moore, my good friend and Mentor from back in Pittsburgh. The church is the Church of the Resurrection, a Methodist church, and my great friend Paul and I went there to attend service on Sunday to hear the pastor, Adam Hamilton Speak. I had already heard good things about him from Sherree Funk, another friend from Pittsburgh who had encountered him. We sang 2 hymns, and the sermon was on the Parable of Buried Treasure. The talk was great. He was quick, efficient, and effective. I loved how he focused on one topic - Buried Treasure - related it to Christian Faith - it was very effective.

Why did I like it?? Here's why - I am a Christian. I believe things and have done things the Bible says are necessary for Salvation. I have a personal relationship with God, and I understand Mature Christian faith doesn't happen ovenight - it's a lifelong process and is difficult. But...(there's always a but isn't there?) I often feel there's something out there I just don't get. In the same respect there are times when I feel like I do 'get it.' I feel that peace...like I did that day on the vineyard, God put a feeling of peace all about me that day, as if I DO get it. But Sin and human nature bring so many other bad things to me and bring me back down. Anybody who has ever had more than a 5 minute conversation with me about my faith knows this and how much I stuggle with this and have struggled with this for years. The only 2 things more difficult for me to understand are accepting God's grace, and understanding that Jesus was in fact God Himself. And again, it's okay to not 'get' it all the time.

Adam Hamilton, the pastor, understood this, and made a couple observations. But he convinced me for the first time in my life, by admitting that he too didn't "get it" yet, that there is still hop. He then referenced a song by U2 which, after reading the lyrics over and over, now LOVE. Most people have heard it:

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running.
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shameAnd my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for

How good is this last verse. It struck me right in the gut.

Because

While I may now what it is I'm looking for, and understand how desperately I need and want to find it...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

33 Comments:

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Neil - this is for you:
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12:13 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Stagg said...

Hey there Neil. I just read a bunch of your posts for the first time. It is so amazing to hear your thoughts! I love to read about how you've grown. I used to hope that in some way I would influence or encourage you, and now you are doing so to me. Enough serious stuff. Now here are some of my responses about random things in your posts:

1. I'm not sure I agree with that golf/sex thing. I like the driving range now (it's kind of addicting), but I've tried golfing when I didn't know what the heck I was doing and I personally thought it sucked.

2. Did you ever buy that bike? I bought a great one a few months ago and I love it. Now I just need to find more time to ride it.

3. I've actually been watching a lot of football lately, and every time I see the Bears I think of you. I'm sure you are loving this season.

4. My roommate joined a tennis club and I get to go play with her sometimes. It is so fun, I just wish I was better at it (see #1).

I guess that's it for now. Life is good!

11:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mark Steffey here, friend. Like that post.
Read Hebrews 11, especially 32-40, I think that is where mr paul hewson got his idea for the song.

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