Neil - Changes and Growth

Mother Theresa and a Journey

2008-02-28T22:32:00.004-05:00

So I have to ask myself the question...how many times have I said the following:

"What is God calling me to do?"

OR how many times have I said

"I'm just looking for my calling. I just want God's will in my life. I'm just waiting to do what God wants me to do, whenever that is"

I said these things ALL the time. I thought they were the right things to be believing...but then something happened that changed my opinion.

I heard a speaker in a class give a talk, and he was referencing an interview a reporter had with Mother Theresa. He asked her the following question:

"So when did you know you were called to feed the poor and serve here in Calcutta?"

Her reply is unbelievably insightful:

"I wasn't. I was following Jesus Christ, and this is where He led me."

How amazing is that. Let's unpack that a bit.

This completely flipped my outlook on God's calling in our lives right away. Was I doing the wrong thing? I kept thinking there was this lighta at the end of the road I was heading to, that when I got there, I would be in the center of the heart of God, and I would then be able to know what my calling was, and I'd embrace it with open arms. Everything I was doing in the mean time was to prepare me for that destination...as if that destination was all that really mattered.

I really wanted to do God's will. I thought this is what God wanted. And it is, of course...but God's purposes are going to get accomplished no matter what. It's a fact. But that doesn't mean that God's will is always done. We don't do God's will all the time. God doesn't want people to suffer...to die...to sin. These are results of God's will NOT being done. Everytime we sin we are disobeying God's will...and it just reminds the world that evil is always present.

So bringing us back to the Mother Theresa comment. What can we do then? If we aren't truly "called" to do things? What if we never have that 'dream' or that 'vision' that tells us what God wants us to do? Simple. Ask ourselves the question: "What can I do right now to please God?"

Follow Jesus Christ.

That's what mother Theresa. God's will for our lives is to follow His son. So right now, the only thing we can to and be sure it is God's will is to follow Jesus Christ. Don't worry abo[ut finding a calling...worrying about making money...getting married...Do we not trust God to take care of these things? We are to focus on this one thing. Follow Jesus Christ...are we not confident that if we do this He will lead us to where we want to go?

I was reminded when hearing this story: Faith is not a destination, it is a journey. So let us follow someone that knows the best journey for us to take - and be able to say the same thing Mother Theresa said.

"I wasn't[called to serve the poor in Calcutta]. I followed Jesus Christ and this is where He led me."

2008-02-28T22:30:00.002-05:00

This was the paper i turned in reflecting on the first 5 weeks of the "Perspectives" class I'm taking.

Check it out if you'd like

www.perspectives.org

There are SO many different things I could write here! The first and foremost thing I took from week 1 was the importance of glorifying God. Too many times we take the Bible as being about us, and what God can do for us, and what we can do to glorify Him. But I don’t know if I could have answered this question correctly prior to week 1. God Gets most pleasure out of us when we glorify Him – Scripturally this is unarguably true, and we can glorify him by glorifying his name, and making all aware of His name and His love. That is what God wants more than anything.
Another discovery, which now seems ridiculously obvious, is the importance that God’s name be preached to all the nations as a necessity, and not necessarily as something we should do. Countless numbers of scripture verses have been brought to our attention supporting this. Not only SHOULD we do this as the body of Christ, but we MUST do this. Basically, according to scripture, the awakening for me was the cause-effect relationship of this. Matthew 24:14 Unarguable supports this when it says, “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” This WILL happen for the end to come. Amazing. God is going to accomplish His purposes…so we should do all in our power to be a part of them. No matter how hard people try NOT to help God or evil tries to stop Him, He cannot be stopped.
The speakers were unbelievable as well. It is SO tough to soak in all the information every speaker says every week, but I can honestly say every week I walk out of class with some sort of theme I take out of every speaker that sticks with me. During week one, I became convinced that we are really on Earth to do one thing – Glorify God. I then also became convinced the best way to do this is to witness…and I am using this word with (2) definitions. First, to proclaim our allegiance to Christ in public and in the way we live, as the disciples did. Next, to tell all we can about the importance and glory that comes along with believing in Christ. In a later week I discovered this as only half the battle in evangelization…it is also important to help those we share with in learning how to follow God, which is what happens after we commit our lives to Him.
In Week 2, Dr Robertson gave his “Cat and Dog Theology” Lesson…and I have to admit, I was immediately skeptical by the name; however, I was immediately impressed once he got into his main points, and I began to really get excited about the entirety of the class as a direct result of this. The main point I took from this was to focus on what JFK used to say about our country – not what it(HE) can do for us, but what we can do for it(GOD). What does God want from me? What does God get from me? Why does God love me? What can I do for Him? These were among the questions I began asking myself immediately…and I immediately saw a shift in my direction in prayer and my approach toward missions. And as an add-on to that…when we truly accept grace, when I realize that Christ is truly in me, I don’t just say “I get God,” it also becomes, “God gets me.”

The fifth week saw Russ Munion give his portrayal of the first (3) missionaries. The thing that strut me right away about the first one, William Carey, is that he was in India for SEVEN years before he had his first convert. I know very few people, if any, have that kind of patience. Did he go about his missions in the right way? No, not at all. Of course not. Why? Because nobody had ever done it before! His courage and faith had to be UNIMAGINABLE to do what he did – to TRULY take a leap…and take his wife, his kids, in the the belly of the beast. God praise Him for his work, and praise God for allowing people to love him THAT much. I pray I can have a fraction of his faith and patience in the Lord. These three men among others laid blueprints for us to follow, and allow us to learn from their mistakes, be inspired by their leaps of faith, and learn from their successes as well.
LOVE the class –wake up every Tuesday morning not being able to wait for the night!

The Refrigerator Faith

2008-01-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

You know, just to start off with a random thought I heard today. How often do we in our lives have "a refrigerator Bible?" You know, the type of Bible where, ya know what, I know if I eat when I need it, I'll be fine. I know I'm supposed to feed from it every once in a while, not all the time, but just enough to tie me over until the next time?? I've been, AT BEST, this good many times in my life. Think about it. I bet MOST Christians have this type of a Bible, myself included. Then, when we finally do get to the refrigerator, what do we do? We open it up, we grab the leftover Stouffer's Lasagna(It's always better the 2nd day), we grab the cake...we grab the good stuff. We don't grab the raw liver, or the pig's feet, or the mayonnaise that has been in the fridge so long its beginning to grow fur. We grab what we know is good - what we know will satisfy us.

How many times do we do this in life? How many times do we do this with the Bible? We stick to what works. We look for the verses about love, and encouragement. We stick to the New Testament - why? Because its awesome stuff! We know it! we know God promises us these things, and we never get tired of hearing it. That's all great, it really is. I do it ALL the time. But what about the rest of the story? What about the chicken liver? what about that maynnaise? It's in the fridge for a reason right....Don't we owe it to ourselves, and to God, to see what it has to offer??

Now I am not of course suggesting we eat the mayonnaise with the fur - in fact, I hate all mayonnaise, but you get my point. I want to find out what it has to offer...I HAVE to find out what it has to offer, what the connections are. Sort of hit home yesterday doing some reading:

Gen. 45:4-8

"Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! 5 And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. 6 For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. 7 But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.
8 "So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt."(from BibleGateway.com)

Old Testament. The stuff we know, the stuff we rarely view as other than a story, but here's what jumped out at me. Joseph says here "It was not you who sent me here, but God." Josephs brothers, his flesh and blood, turned his back on him, or even worse, abandoned him, by selling him into slavery. And after all that time, when facing his brothers, what did he do? If you know my brother you know darn well what I'd do. I'd come out swining most likely - the Years of anger growing inside me(watering the 'wrong' parts of my life - see yesterday's post). But Joseph said "God did this to me, not you." What if we viewed everything every person does to us in our lives as God doing it to us? What if God said we let him down? What if God yelled at us for wrecking our car when we were teenagers? What if Jesus himself were the person we were holding resentment towards because of something they did to us 5 years ago? How crazy is that. I don't know about you, but for me, it would be gone in an instant. How could I ever be mad at Jesus for doing ANYTHING to me after all of the things I have done to him through my sin?

But that is essentially what it is. We always preach and know that God is in control:

"Everything in the heavens and the earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything...your hand controls power and might and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength" - 1 Chron 29:11-12

So this we know is true, so essentially isn't it God himself doing the things around us? Building us up, breaking us down? I am challenging myself to look at my life this way anytime I get sinful feelings towards circumstances around me. Rather than asking God "Why are you doing these horrible things to me Lord(or fill in the blank with the name of a...let us say brother =))" we can ask "Lord Break me so you can build me up again." It's really an amazingly intuitive way of thinking about circumstances around us...I hope that I can only have of the insight Joseph had, so I may recognize similar situations, no matter how minor they may seem.

Again, its not what I write on here which is important - it is the way I LIVE MY LIFE that is the most important...let me not forget this.

Weeds vs. Fruit and a side of Chili

2008-01-20T17:20:00.001-05:00

Okay...haven't done the online journals in a while, but now we're getting it back! I've been up and down lately, but the big change in my life is the recent assurance that change will be coming soon. I've been living in Kansas City for about 16 months now and the Lord has put it on my heart for the first time, as I knew would happen when I moved here, to start moving in new directions...I'm still not exactly sure what that means just yet, but I'm going to be patient and trusting in the process.

Gal. 5:19-26

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. "

Anyways, VERY good message today at church. The pastor, Dan, is traveling to China to pick up his daughter that he is adopting...really nice story actually, but he recorded the message before leaving, which we watched on video. He began by starting with a story another leader within the church had told him. Let me set it up for you.

IT started with him feeling called in some way to "water everything green" in his yard. So day in, day out he would be watering everything in his back yard which was green. I found myself picturing the guy just standing in the back of his yard, with an estranged smile on his face...almost as if he was high, just smiling...hose running...And one day he was back watering with his cousin, and the cousin said:

"What are you doing?"

"Watering the plants." he replied.

"Uh...those aren't plants. Those are Weeds."

The leader then looked for a minute...and replied.

"Hmmmm..."

The connection is great. So many times in our lives we 'water' things - good and bad alike. The It is a VERY sensitive thing to do. If we spend time in prayer, and focusing on our spiritual life, we will grow. By doing devotionals, constantly making the right decisions, and spending time 'watering' these parts of our lives, growth is inevitable.

On the contrary...we can go the other way with this one. If we water the other parts of our lives, the sinful side of our nature, this will grow. I'm sure we can all relate to this - I know I can. IT always starts with (1) LITTLE sin. Then it just grows. Sometimes when I was in college i would make it a point, just as an example, to not drink any alcohol at certain points. My senior year I once went 40 days without drinking...which doesn't seem like much now, but back then it was. I was improving in my spiritual life every day.

But then I'd go out and have one beer, then two...and the next time three...and it would be a while before I realized I would be falling into the same patterns that got me to the point I was at in the first point. Now alcohol isn't really a big problem in my life...even if it was it isn't anymore...it's always been controllable to me, but i feel many of us can relate to this story. In fact, just writing this makes me want to have a boulevard Wheat! It's a Kansas City Beer. I've had a 12 pack in my fridge for a good month and a half now...i always get too tired to have one and fall asleep!

Anyways, back to my point. When we water these "sinful" things in our lives - whether it be alcohol, or lying, or jealousy, they will grow inside of us. And the problem with watering? We can't water more than one thing at a time. So if we're spending our time watering the bad things in our lives, the good things will begin to die. The leader in the church our pastor was referring to looked around his yard to see the fruit and plants in the other parts of his yard dying...because he was focusing on the weeds. Everybody knows this is true...when we're growing in sin, our spirit will wither; however, if we water our spiritual lives - the 'fruit' -and continue to do so, the sin inside of us - the 'weeds' - will wither away....but if we ever decide to step on over, and 'water' the weeds again, they'll come right back.

So it is my prayer that we would spend our time focusing on the fruit in our lives - and watering the fruit, so the weeds and sin in our lives will die. Let this be continual.

Tomorrow I'll write my thoughts and response to it.

NOW on the lighter side of things...last night was AWESOME! My roommate and I attended a Chili cook-off at an Episcopal church- I ate a good pound of chili. There were TONS of different kinds of chilis, and we were testers...and ate more chili then I knew what to do with. Now if you know me at all you know how much I appreciate good food. I could DEFINITELY be a food critic - If God called me to do this i would be SO pumped - but...I know that's not my calling. Oh well...=)

We then went to the Plaza to watch the KU-Mizzou game, and loved seeing the Jayhawks come away with the win - just gotta hope they can get it done in March this time! They've had some bad luck in recent years.

Alright, NFL playoffs are on - and even though Da Bears are out, I still enjoy it... and I have a stouffer's Lasagna in the oven. Sunday is a great day =)

and I thought everybody would find it amusing that I went to add some pictures after writing this, and typed "weed" in a google search, and wouldn't ya know...What do you think came up??
It's actually called 'granny smokin the weed.'

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

2006-11-01T13:06:00.000-05:00

GEEZ it's been so long since I've updated the good 'ol blog! I've moved to Kansas City to take the job I interviewd for with WESCO international. It's going great, I just moved into a great house and am learning as quickly as I can. I start an intensive learning program today, even though I've pretty much been doing my job the past couple weeks(THROWN into the fire, quite literally. You really learn quick when you learn through your own screw ups!)

One of my big challenges in moving here, as I knew it would be, would be to find a church as comfortable as St. Stephens was for me in Sewickley, PA. I loved it there, and more importantly loved the people there, which is the most important thing to me. I've been attending "Heartland Community Church" since I've arrived, going on Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights. It's been decent - All of the services are contemporarty, some were actually all prayer services(Tuesday nights), which was nice. But the church has adopted a "Go" mission statement as they are in the process of moving buildings, and seem to be pushing this new transitional phase greatly. It seems great if I were a part of the church already and involved, but I'm not, so at times I feel uncomfortable.

SO...

I went to a new church - recommended by a Mentor I've met with per recommendation of Peter Moore, my good friend and Mentor from back in Pittsburgh. The church is the Church of the Resurrection, a Methodist church, and my great friend Paul and I went there to attend service on Sunday to hear the pastor, Adam Hamilton Speak. I had already heard good things about him from Sherree Funk, another friend from Pittsburgh who had encountered him. We sang 2 hymns, and the sermon was on the Parable of Buried Treasure. The talk was great. He was quick, efficient, and effective. I loved how he focused on one topic - Buried Treasure - related it to Christian Faith - it was very effective.

Why did I like it?? Here's why - I am a Christian. I believe things and have done things the Bible says are necessary for Salvation. I have a personal relationship with God, and I understand Mature Christian faith doesn't happen ovenight - it's a lifelong process and is difficult. But...(there's always a but isn't there?) I often feel there's something out there I just don't get. In the same respect there are times when I feel like I do 'get it.' I feel that peace...like I did that day on the vineyard, God put a feeling of peace all about me that day, as if I DO get it. But Sin and human nature bring so many other bad things to me and bring me back down. Anybody who has ever had more than a 5 minute conversation with me about my faith knows this and how much I stuggle with this and have struggled with this for years. The only 2 things more difficult for me to understand are accepting God's grace, and understanding that Jesus was in fact God Himself. And again, it's okay to not 'get' it all the time.

Adam Hamilton, the pastor, understood this, and made a couple observations. But he convinced me for the first time in my life, by admitting that he too didn't "get it" yet, that there is still hop. He then referenced a song by U2 which, after reading the lyrics over and over, now LOVE. Most people have heard it:

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running.
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shameAnd my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for
But I still haven't foundWhat I'm looking for

How good is this last verse. It struck me right in the gut.

Because

While I may now what it is I'm looking for, and understand how desperately I need and want to find it...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

2006-11-01T12:48:00.000-05:00

Wendsday, October 30th

Alright so right now I'm sitting on a plane in Providence, RI, and I was talking to the flight attendent for a few minutes about the camp I worked, and why I was going to Chicago(my Sister's wedding) - because that's what I do. I talk to people. Everybody I know knows this about me. The conversation struck up because I had to explain to her why the hell I was in Rhode Island! I asked for a pen to write with, and she came back with a coca cola pen - and it literally took me about 15 minutes to figure out how the hell to make it work! I was so MAD! I'm an idiot. Anyways, turned out all I had to do is twist it instead of pulling. Yea, that's how I roll.

Conclusion:

Neil + ANYTHING = Neil is a moron =)

Yesterday was my birthday. Yes, i know, hold in your excitement. I'm 24 now. After about 7 days on the vineyard, I took the ferry at 12:15 back to reality. No more sweatervests, no more sailboats. Another counselor named Matt, whom I met there, and I then drove to his place in Connecticut to stay the night. Seeing as it was my birthday, we wanted to make a little detour, and hit up the Fox Woods or something like that casino! It's always a good time. I proceeded to lose about $75, but it was tons of fun. We got a 9 in on the country club his parents were members to this morning, which was awesome(I love Golf - you know, they say Golf and sex are the only 2 things you don't have to be good at to enjoy). I then headed up toward Providence, stopped through New Haven to see another friend I made at the Vineyard from Yale. So now Im leaving RI on a plane of about 26, so I have about 4 rows to myself, AND its the exit row, so I just popped in a perkaset and am about to pass out!

Anyways, some amazing things happened the last couple of days at the vineyard. Have you ever been meditating, or praying, and you seen to get little glimpses of things you haven't experienced(I guess you could call it the PRE-dejavu phase)? 2 days ago, I was in our cabin praying, looking out the window and watching rain fall, and I swear I got this overwhelming sense of the Spirit - I saw light, I felt God's presence, and I really felt I was looking at God's glory. It was only for a split second, but it happened 3 times that day. It was amazing. I have found myself more and more becoming delighted in my faith...and I truly feel eager to seek, and of course I have felt more and more peace. One of my onstant prayers is to know the desires of my heart - because I don't know what they are! But He does...

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I love this psalm(37)

This has helped me in making my decision for a move. God is going to work in my life no matter where I end up, and I am now convinced that he has left it up to me to decide where I want to be, and He'll take it from there. Makes the decision SO much easier with that kind of confidence on my side doesn't it??

Alright - the medicine is kicking in now, so I'm gonna doze off(it's about 9pm). I'm meeting my brother at the Airport, than my grandma is going to pick us up. Time to get the usual Italian Beef sandwich, Gyros, stufffed pizza, vienna beef hot dogs, and all of the other brown bag heart attacks that come with the food I love so much in Chicago, the city I love.

Biking and TOUGH questions

2006-11-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

August 26, 2006

What an exciting day! Yesterday I took a 24-mile bike ride - and I rezlized something...I need to invest in a bike! They are so easy to get around on and I feel more tired after running 3 miles than riding 24 - Maybe it was because I was able to ride across the entire island in about 45 minutes, but it was quite amazing.

Anyways, after buying a $20 "Black Dog" shirt, and checking out the other half of Martha's Vineyard, I came back to the North shore, where I attended a "tough questions" seminar - it was supposed to be for the kids but I was SO intrigued by it. Some of the most amazing things I heard involved creation, the flood, and the sacrifices. Let me explain.

We all know the story of Adam and Eve. Eve tempted Adam to eat from the Tree(Well, Satan did, but that's another subject...Women are NOT the root of all evil, even though this is what I tell everybody!) of Good and Evil, and in taking a bite from the Apple Sin was introduced into the world. We all know this story. But through this seminar I learned something very interesting. The Greek and Aramaic translations of the word "Adam" we see in the Bible today directly translated simply means "man." Therefore, while it is a popular belief Adam was ONE man, it is not outside the realm of possibility that "Adam" is used to represent many men. How nuts is that...Just a theory of course, but interesting nonetheless. If this were true, it would of course mean God created more than one man in the beginning, which would also create a good objection to the whole "Incestual" past that would have had to occur for procreation.

Another question was raised about sacrifices. Why were many people told by God (before Christ) to sacrifice lambs, calves(even sons, although never actually done), etc. to God? First, let's look at why Christ was the ultimate sacrifice, the sacrifice of God in the form of man, for all of mankind, to wipe away sin. Before this, lambs, calves, etc. were sacrficed as a cost for sin, and were therefore not needed after Christ. It is also said those were so we would get a fraction of the understanding of what the sacrifice of the Christ, the Son of God, meant to God. Now let's look at the crucifiction.

The temple (which was where most of these sacrifices took place) in Jerusalem is said to have been destroyed after the death of Jesus on the cross. Put simply, this very well could have been a symbolic destroying to show there was no longer a need for the sacrifices, for the ultimate and only necessary sacrifice now had been made.

Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Wednesday, August 30th

An Arab Sailing?? Yep!

2006-10-30T16:43:00.000-05:00

August 24, 2006

"I'm sailing away..." - Styx

They say there's a 1st time for everything, and today was my 1st day of sailing! In fact, I was on a boat on the ocean for the 1st time ever. Being on the East coast, on a boat of about 50 people, I was the only person to have never been sailing before let alone on a boat. In fact, most of the kids said their parents actually had sailboats of their own(FOCUS, the org. i was working for, is a private school ministry).

This is the thing that occured to me today. I had SO much fun - relaxing on the deck, reading a book, talking to the kids. Getting a good tan(which I like to call 'enhancing' my already dark skin). Then I started talking to the deckhands(the work crew). There were 5 of them, all between the ages of 20 and 25, which is right where I am. The captain/owner of the ship told me the story of the ship - he was 24 - and his fatehr had owned the ship and now he and his brothers were running the business. The had literally been doing this their entire lives. That blew my mind away...and if you know me you know exactly why that would get to me. I thought about it later and just couldn't grasp the idea of doing the same thing, of loving something that way, my whole life. I don't think I could do it. But the more I thought about it, it met me. This guy has it figured out. He is leaving HIS dream. He LOVES doing what he does every day of his life, and knows what he wants to do with the rest of hit. Why shouldn't he do this? Good for him! He's sailed to the carribean from MA. He's windsurfed in Maui. And he's good at it. i would LOVE to say i'm good at surfing...what little surfing I've done, it is one of my favorite things to do - but I'm not blessed at being good enough at it for a living, so God has other plans for me. I don't have the slightest clue right now how to sail. Before today, I thought "starboard" meant the little starcruch snacks(Yes I was a fat kid, still kind of am at heart).

But seriously, he KNEW he had a calling. And he's living it, and loving it. But that's okay...it's not for me. I love being able to do different things - Where as the captain of the ship didn't want to do different things. I may not be great at anything (that I know of) right now, but I'm good at a bunch of things, and I'm thankful for that. I'll take the gifts God has given me, and keep striving toward my goals and figuring out God's will in my Life.

Okay, now it's time to go listen to boys talk about masturbation and "joysticks"...Um....I wish I was kidding. It's what you get when you room with middle school boys!

Remember this my friends...

"God's will is exactly what we would chose for our lives.. ifwe knew what God knows!"

My verse I prayed today...

Isaiah 26:3 "You willkeep in PERFECT PEACE those who trust in you, whose thoughtsare fixed on you"

Doubt, doubt, and more doubt! - It CAN be good you know =)

2006-10-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

August 23 -

I doubt. I doubt every day of my life. I doubt every time I sin. I listen to the lies that tell me there isn't a God sometimes. In my mind...

My heart keeps me in check. In my heart I know there is a God. Of course there is. So...then why do I always go through spells where I think I don't nee Him, where I am the controller of everything, that there is no influence on me, that I can change things on my own? As human beings we feel the need to be wanted and accepted all the time, if we say we don't we're lying. God gives this to me openly, yet I constantly find myself turning to others instead of Him for this acceptance. I often wonder if solitude would be good for me. I know we are intended to be with other people - Juesus was ALWAYS with other people - always. But so am I. I've lived alone, but I'm always doing something it seems. I have quiet times, but usually no more than an hour or two at a time. Would a week, a month, or more effectively, even a year or more alone help me understand the mysteries of God more? I would solely rely on Him if this were the case as relying on others would not be possible. The initial reaction to this is "of course" - so here is the question. Why don't we do this if it would make us closer to and help to understand better our God?? I don't know...

It's another beautiful day here on the island and sunny as ever. And I pray God's will is being done. This day and every day.

- The Chicago Bears will be starting their season soon - and a Super Bowl title is in my sight. The cubs may not win many games from here on out, but I still love them too...but its time for football season. Go Bears!

Tennis and the Island I'm on

2006-10-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

August 22, 2006 - 5:14 PM

TENNIS! After morning prayer and meetings I was talked into a game of tennis - what a great time. After playing a double match we just stuck around and hit for an hour or so and I remembered why I loved Playing tennis so much back in high school and in college. I played through my sophomore year in college, but am not determined to play more!

All of the kids began arriving around 2pm, and they're all about here now...The weather today on the vineyard is amazing - 80 and not a cloud in the sky. Some sand volleyball and whiffle ball have dominated registration, and I'm tired from both!

In prayer last night, we prayed for things that were needed in order for us to be "present" here this week. For me, that meant letting go of what has been occupying all of my prayers and thoughts! Tough to do - I'm in the process of deciding whether to move out of Pittsburgh, a place I love, in order to pursue career moves, not to mention my decision as to whether I should pursue a career or continue in ministry. Originally I thought this little sabattical would give me the chance to ask God for guidance and figure it out, but the last day has changed my mind. It's up to God - not me. Where He sends me I will go, wholeheartedly. Las night, after some fighting, I was able to release this decision up to Him finally. Might sound crazy, but it's not up to me. I love Pittsburgh, other than Chicago it may be my favorite city. The idea of moving to Kansas City is scary, but seems great as well - there are spiritual highs and lows involved with both places, I realized this when I visited KC last week. Staying means reamining in ministry most likely and leaving means workin in business...FOR NOW. I've realized we don't have to be involved in full-time ministry to serve God's purposes for the Kingdom - He has different callings for each of us. I see myself, in fact I almost want to say I know(but I know better!) I'll be doing full-time ministry as a career at some point in my life, but I'm starting to get the feeling God is going to take me through some hard lessons, and break me, and build me up again, to mature my faith so I'll better be ready to serve in that way down the road, and not necessarily right now. Kind of scary, but I know he sees the end result for me, and knowing this gives me strength and courage to do things now.

And maybe the FREAKING cubs will win a game while I'm gone the next 2 weeks...I'll be at Wrigley IN a week and half by the way!

WHERE HAVE I BEEN!!

2006-10-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

These are posts from the past couple months I've written...

August 22, 2006

So 2 nights ago I stayed in New York Cityin a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air type house, in the 4-bedroom poolhouse, as a matter of fact. That day began by witnessing a truck flip right in front of me and my travel companion(Peter Moore)'s eyes, which was...well...freaking weird and scary. We pulled over right away, and after realizing nobody was seriously hurt(SOMEHOW both passengers walked away without a scratch) and a police officer arrived and interviewed us, we continued east toward NYC(Turns out the guy fell asleep at 10am on the road...NEVER drive when you're tired!).

Yesterday we left NYC, went through RI and CT and arrived in New Bedford, MA, in order to catch the ferry over to Martha's vineyard, where I am preparing to work a middle school camp with an organization called FOCUS which Peter in fact founded many years ago. After taking some time to check out the old, run down fishing town, I got my first glimpse of the ocean. It's always amazing to see it for that first instant every time you go, even though I had seen it over a dozen times before(if you didn't know, I "get around" - in the non-sexual way =)). I always think about what certain things looked like thousands of years ago - whether a shopping center, or a house that now stands there was covered in endless fields, or even if the ocean itself...just standing on a beach staring at it, looked the same. Unbelievable...because the ocean probably has looked the same for hundreds of thousands of years...to everyone.

During the 1 hour ferr ride, we passed through the Elizabeth Islands, and through Woods Hole, MA, where the Oceanographic Institute is. Peter Moore, informed me Emperor Hirohito(Emp. of Japan during WWII), when coming to the US to sign peace agreements and surrender after the war, requested only to see one thing while in the United States, and this Oceanographic institute was that one thing.

After about a 20-minute doze off session, something startled me. Our minds are so dangerous. I found myself seeing people around me dying, thinking about people in BAD ways - I feel so helpless sometimes, you know what I mean? It's the same when you're a little kid, and you're all alone in the dark. You are fine for a few minutes, but then that infamously haunting "Unsolved Mysteries" theme music gets in your head, or you start playing through the next "America's Most Wanted" episode, in which you are the main character. And it's all in your head, but now you are scared out of your mind. You know all you have to do is stop thinking about it and you'll be fine, but you can't. It's too late. We become prisoners of our own minds. I get that way - and Satan must love it. I know immediately when these thoughts enter my mind. I know they're bad - I know I shouldn't think them, but it's too late. Before we know it we're sinning over and over in ways we're not even aware of, and all we can do is pray or fall asleep until we forget it ever happened, until the next time it happens, which we know it will. Bottom line: it's terrible. What can we do about it? In the book of James as well as other places in Scripture, we are told to focus on our hearts, and be transformed from the inside-out. Or in other words, rather than changing our outward actions, by changing our heart our outward actions will reflect those changes. This is a process, bu our damn human nature screws us up, and makes us that much more likely to fall into the thought trap, yet again we must first learn to NOT ACT on those thoughts, THEN work on elimination the thoughts...

We keep on trucking...We'll find it...He'll help us find it...

It takes time.

Great day!

2006-07-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

SO...Yesterday I had another Job interview, as a Operations Management Analyst at WESCO(Don't ask, I have no idea what that exactly meant), and it actually went pretty well. I went downtown, interviewed with 6 people, talked their ears off, as I often do, and went on my way. As I was driving home, I began reflecting on how the interview went. It went great right? Here I was, interviewing for an unpublished job, getting first dibs on an interview to be on a management track for a fortune 500 company. And I wasn't EXTREMELY Excited about it...excited a bit, sure, but it didn't seem enough. I began thinking to one of my interviewees when he asked me "what would be your ideal job right now?" I stopped for a brief second, having never been asked this question, and thought about how to answer. A professional soccer player? A TV broadcaster? A sports Agent? An Actor? Sure those all seemed great, but without stuttering and before I knew what I was saying, I blurted out -

"I have to be in a position where I am constantly building relationships with people, and my success or failure in that position is based solely on the foundation of those relationships."

I was amazed and startled by my response - wait a minute...I'm an idiot, how did I say something that sounded so great? I know it was God talking at that moment...and I'm taking it as a clue as to what He is calling me to do...I don't know what it is yet, but what a great start.

The next few weeks should be exciting, I'll be looking at the possibility of moving, and staying, but either way, transition awaits me, and I love it. Keep praying for me and thank you to those who have been!

Funny Cartoon...I love it

Purifying Silver

2006-07-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it. " If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

God wants to see himself in us...but do we think he can??

2006-07-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

Yep - The Seal is a slacker...it's been over a month! Anyways, been CRAZY busy lately, I am working as a Youth Pastor now at St. Stephens in Sewickley, PA for the summer, as well as working a few soccer camps to make a little extra money. And of course, a few trips here and there. In my spare time I have kids waking me up at 8am on Saturdays to hang out, and have been praying and searching to write the next chapter of my life. Right now it's looking like it's between staying here, and moving to KC...and for the first time Moving to KC I would say has pulled even, giving my head the idea that it's about 50/50. Can't wait either way!

I'm actually very busy right now writing my sermon for Sunday...I'm speaking for the first time, and am actually very excited about it...it'll be fun. This is what I live for! I love talking =).

This is a poem my friend Elizabeth sent me from Maya Angelou. Great words - Take a look:

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
> When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"> I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

I'll try to keep updating everybody on the "life of the Seal" - in the mean time, I hope everybody is doing great - pray for me if you can!

Success

2006-05-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

"Success:

To laugh often and much' to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

- Ralph(Ralphy!) Waldo Emerson

A card my mom got me for graduation said this on it...it's great. Of course, she signed it "Love, Mom, Dad, and Xena." Xena, for those of you who know, is our dog they have at home who is RETARDED!! Look at that stupid thing!! yes, I still love her

Graduating

2006-05-28T10:55:00.000-05:00

Graduated this past weekend...again. Got my Master's Diploma in Christian Leadership from Trinity Seminary...had a GREAT weekend. My mom and Grandma were up here, i ate cheesecake factory, Had a "Texas-Style Barbeque with some nice Brisket that was AMAZING, and just basically had a pleasant time because it was over 70 and sunny the whole time! So, of course, I have to go to a pirate game today to cap it off...any nice weather day means I go to a pirate game! number 6 of the year for me...18 is the goal that i hit last year that i need to beat. Anyways, here's a few pics from the weekend, praise the Lord for the great weather and the great time we all had.

As you can tell, I'm easily distracted in both pictures

Fortune Cookie

2006-05-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

So Monday night, for the season finale of 24, I ordered some take=out chinese...as I used to do when I was in college all of the time. So the 2 of them mix very well. Anyways, After eating my Sesame chicken, I reached into the bag and pulled out a fortune cookie. Then I looked at the fortune:

"You're intelligence is noticed by many people"

And I found myself saying...

"Yea! Ya know, I've always thought that!"

Then I realized I ALWAYS freaking say that. Really! I mean don't you ALWAYS think the fortunes will come true or are true? I can't lie, I've even went as far to put the fortune in my pocket and carry it around when it says "You'll find a new love" or some crap like that. And this is WITHOUT doing the ever-so-popular adding of the words "in bed" after the fortune!

So I raise this question...Why does Superstition always intrigue us? Why do we not step on cracks, put a dollar bill in our sock when we play a soccer game(yea i did this for a while), not walk under a ladder, break a mirror, or pick up a penny that isn't Heads up?

And Why do I always put myself in a position when I read a fortune cookie that makes it true??

=)

have a great day!

Accepting Grace and NYC!

2006-05-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

As I've been told now at least 6 times from 6 different people, it's been a while since I've written on here! The last few weeks have been CRAZY...the Lord has taken to and from so many different places, physically and emotionally. So let me just update everybody what is going on in the life of Neil the Seal.

I have switched places of employment...after 7 months of working at Trilliant, circumstances needed me to be removed from there, so I have been working odd jobs in and around town the past couple weeks to make a few bucks. Of course....I didn't work as much as I should have. A tall drink of water by the name of Matthew Fletcher came to visit me last thursday, and we had the time of our lives. One thing I have been blessed with in my life is humor...the Lord gave me the ability to laugh in SO many different situations...

So Friday night, I took Fletcher on a date(he'd kill me if he knew I said that...he's a big guy) to show him Downtown Pittsburgh. We went to a pirate game, and then we went and walked around Point State Park, right in Downtown. We had a great time and had a great talk, mainly about Christians' roles in all arenas of the world today. We were then headed don't Carson street towards the South Side for a cup of coffee, and while looking for a place to park I clipped a curb with my back left tire and busted it. I started cracking up...literally. Here I was, with no money, planning on driving my car to New York City the next day, with a flat tire at 11:45 pm on a Friday around hundreds of people, and I was cracking up. What can I say, it was hilarious! Thankfully Fletcher, while he may not have cracked up, also found humor in it. So we changed the tire, and went home. The next day I dreaded the bill when I took my car to walmart, but hey - it's amazing how the Lord works in little ways! turns out I had paid 50 cents when I had the tires put on for a warranty, and the guy behind the counter pointed this out to me(he obviously didn't have to) and it only cost me $8 to get it changed! The Lord has provided for me financially more than I could ever explain over the past 4 or 5 months, and surrounded me with some great people who have blessed me and I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for that!

Anyways, SO....the next night, yes, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. GREAT show. I've had tickets for this for about a decade so it was a great time. Fletcher and I found ourselves two-stepping to some of the songs...in fact I had a great conversation with a 39 year old woman who loved to dance, and me, being a "lord of the dance" myself could not turn her down. AFTER the concert, we drove to NYC...yes, at midnight. Within 30 seconds of going through the Holland tunnel, I had made a wrong turn and was on my way back through it again. THAT'S a great way to start a trip! Anyways we had a great time, and here are just a few pictures...we obviously saw everything, but going to a Yankee game and going to the top of the Empire state building, and seeing my good friend Marnie were some of the highlights of the trip...and there were MANY. We had the time of our lives and I am so grateful I had the opportunity to spend some time with a good friend.

Now to some more important stuff...I'm not going to get into incredible detail, but every day I find myself getting more and more upset(and it's NOT a good thing) because I have trouble accepting God's grace. We are supposed to accept it with open arms, and I DO, but I just feel SO undeserving SO many times it's just freaking Frustrating! I look at the MANY ways God has provided for me over the past month...and truth be told I probably wouldn't have made it far without this...and I just really can't understand why. And I know what I'm supposed to say...Just be thankful for what we get and know God will provide...but hat's not what I mean. I mean I have to fully grasp this idea that God really is going to provide for me always. For the first time in my life I was 100% relient on God, and I learned to be able to do this, and NOTHING but good came out of it. I accepted to be an assistant interim youth pastor this summer, and I'm excited about it. I really don't know what I'm going to do after that, and I LOVE That.

Because I know God will take me to a place where He wants me to be. I know this. AND I am SO excited that I DON'T know what I'll be doing and where I'll be!

I know I deserve nothing. I'm a human, and I deserve hell - bottom line. It's by grace I'm here, and by grace that I'm able to do anything...By grace I'm able to go to NYC with a friend...by grace I'm able to laugh at financial trouble...by grace I'm able to be provided for...by grace I'm able to love and be loved. Such great things. SO MANY great things, and I'm just going to continue to make the most out of every thing I've given, because I don't deserve ANY of it...I don't even deserve to feel pain, to suffer....I also see these things as blessings...And I'll leave you with a couple lines from one of my favorite Pat Green Songs(there are many of them)...

"I hear people talk about life all the time, all they remember are times so sad, don't you think that life would be awfully boring, if the good time were all that we had."

"sometimes I sleep with all the lights on, it helps me to appreciate the night"

Think about it...take something away(sadness, darkness) and the opposites(happiness, light) don't really exist.

Here's my final thought on grace...if you went to High school with me..."Neil's thought for the day" if you will =)

We get to live, and I don't mean we get to breath. I mean we get to live. How AMAZING is that. And ya know what, I'm having a great time living.

Love life. Live life.

Sacrifice and What I do...Derek Webb and Thoughts

2006-04-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

God is good...Let me start with that.

It was a rough day at work today...just alot of things going on, people being discouraged, etc. But all in all, I love every day being a challenge, and I love adversity, because it gives us the opportunity to persevere through it, and rely on things greater than ourselves...which, in my opinion, is essential to living a fulfilling life.

Anyways...got a call from one of my roommates LANEYYYY at about 5 pm asking if i wanted to go to a Derek Webb concert, and I then said "I love Derek Webb!" and agreed to go...of course I'd only heard the song everybody has heard by him (Wedding Dress) so I wasn't sure after hanging up the phone why I'd said that...but Oh well. I have pictures, maybe I'll post them up later. HE actually played through his entire new album, called "Mockingbird" - it really was amazing, and is worth buying.

It was a great show...He is a very talented musician. He wrote some great songs that I will probably write about later, but Lane was talking on the way home about some things that I just found myself nodding my head about...Sacrifice and the absence of temptation. Webb's songs spoke lots of sacrifice, and the giving up of possessions

Sacrifice

What does it really mean to sacrifice?

Jesus tells men 3 different times in the gospels to sell their possesions and follow him.

Matthew 19:21 - Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Mark 10:21 - Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Luke 18:22 - When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Let's think about this - what did it mean to sell all your belongings and follow Him? Did He really want these men to sell EVERYTHING they had and follow God?

I got to thinking about what it would mean today...Think about it. Think about the TREMENDOUS confidence you would have to show in God to be able to do this. To sell EVERY possession you had - your car, your clothes, your TV, your IPOD! your computer(that's right, no instant messenger), even your house. No money, no savings, no accumulation of wealth - and give ALL of what you had to the poor. And just taking what you have and following. Now that is trusting God. That is saying to yourself, "God, None of these things are things I have for the right reasons...and none of it matters. They are yours, you gave them to me, and I use them for my pleasure, and I am giving them back...

I AM TRUSTING YOU TO PROVIDE FOR ME AND MY FUTURE"

Think about how MUCH you would have to trust God to do that - And I need to do this more than you let me make this clear. Flat out, I can't do this right now. In my mind, I don't think I can do this. And thinking about actually doing it, sounds ridiculous doesn't it? "It's a different time then back then...bla bla bla." But is it? What do you think Jesus meant by this? Should we accumulate any wealth at all? In me putting money in my savings, saving for the future, am I really saying -

"Sure God, I could give this to you now, but I'm not confident that you'll always provide me with what I need, so I'm gonna have a backup plan just in case there is something I want or need in the future that you can't provide for me."

When I thought about this, I got scared, because, is this true?

I was listening to Laney talk about going down the right path, and the wrong path, and he made a great point. If we are doing what God wants us to do in our lives, we are not doing what god does not want us to do in our lives.

If we are doing what God wants us to do in our lives, we are not doing what god doesn't want us to do in our lives.

Think about a dot...there are 2 lines, going in opposite directions. You can't be going in both directions at the same time right? The same goes for us. If we are truly seeking what it is God wants us to do and ACTUALLY doing it, we can't fall into temptation, we won't be doing what God doesn't want us to do. Sounds so simple doesn't it?? Think about that though...maybe it really is that simple.

And what about action? I find myself SO many times in my life saying to people, "Yea I screw up occasionally, sure...but for the most part I don't steal, I don't lie, I don't kill, I treat others well, I'm nice. I'm a Christian."

Sure I am. I do all of these things...well, I don't do all of these things...but think about love. What about love? Where is love in that equation? Where is loving your neighbor? Where is feeding the poor, trusting God, Sacrifice, and so many others. Where are they in that statement I always say to myself to convince myself I'm doing the right things...but here is the underlying question I'll leave for you to answer...or, I guess for me to answer...After I've decided what I don't do, which makes me a Christian, I have to start thinking -

What do I do??

Maybe We should sacrifice SOMETHING - take what we have, sell it, pack a bag, FOLLOW HIM, and go out and do something "stupid" - like Trust God...But can I really do that??>>>>

The "Perfect Pump"

2006-04-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

Alright...ya know about 10 years ago when you were filling up on gas, and you would try to get the fillup right at the exact amount - the "Perfect Pump"...it was about $12.00 for a fillup then, but you tried desperately to hit the number right on the nose? You could pump really slowly and watch the pump move a penny at at time and hit your mark.

My roommate Aaron pointed this fact out to me yesterday. Well I usually pay for gas with my credit card(Actually, i pay for everything with my credit card). Well, this morning i had some cash, so was going to pay in cash. I the gas "clicked" and stopped pumping at $37.62, so I figured I'd try to get it up to $38. SO, I click it as slow as I can, and it just isn't the same. The same small pinch that used to be a penny now causes the meter to go up about $2/second! So after one pinch instead of seeing $38, I was seeing about $45 buck. Well, not that bad but you get the idea. If you want an exact pump, GOOD LUCK! Alright that's all I have...

Pray for me if you are reading this...big decisions are to be made in the next month or so in my life,Also I fell into some old ways lately...need to kinda NOT do THAT anymore! I haven't worried about it much(the next month, decisions, moving, etc.), which I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I truly feel comfortable in saying I believe God will take care of me! I'm so excited about it, about change, about new opportunities. I love it! It's in my blood I think to LOVE change and freedom, but I'm trying to listen... Thank you so much!

I am who I am

2006-04-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

Alright, I know this is about the 3rd post I've had today, but whatever...just doing my nightly ritual of reading/prayer...and my mind is freaking twisted as per usual - so now its the midnight rambling...

Look at this verse(Exodus 3:13-15 for those who are interested):

"Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"
God said to Moses, 'I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.' "

Donald Miller(Searching for God knows What) put this verse in my head...and I came to a conclusion, which he later elaborated on that I have really felt for a LONG time, and I know I talk about it alot...

John once said in John 21:25 that all the books in the world couldn't contain all of the works of Jesus..meaning there are so many more we don't read about, maybe because they can't be explained, and we can't understand. I understand the purpose of Jesus. I understand his life, his death, his resurrection, his seat at the right hand of the father, how he loves you, me, and all, and how he was sent as a living sacrifice for all of man's sin. I get it.

Take a minute...think about Jesus. What is Jesus to you?

I spent alot of time in Chicago's Midway Airport on Sunday contemplating this question. I came to the conclusions i made above...seeing Jesus as this baby in the manger, or this great looking guy, walking barefoot or in sandals through the sand, with a large group always following him, teaching, performing his miracles, and truly loving people. I don't question what he did...simplifying Christianity...And I fully understand that Jesus was the Son of God and the Son of Man as well...I get all of that. And Miller points this out as well...

But here is where I stopped when I began thinking about the gospel, and I always stutter here and I just don't get it. It's kind of embarassing even...Shouldn't I just 'get' this? If you can help me understand this, I'm always ALL EARS!

Jesus as God? Jesus as some great "I am?"

Christians believe Jesus was God...but I don't get it...I just don't/can't understand Him as that in my head. I don't know why, I just can't. I wish I could, and I try to, but I can't see it, and I've never been able to have somebody explain it to me to a point I could understand. Does Belief require understanding? Miller doesn't think it does, and at this point obviously I sure hope it doesn't either, I'm trying - but I'm not gonna lie and say I undesrstand it because I don't. As Christians there is no doubt we view this as truth because it is scripturally supported. But we don't understand everything as is, which is an encouragement. Jesus doesn't offer some "formula" - he offers himself. And Thank GOD, because if there is any hope...and Miller made this quite clear...for you and me, our hope has to be in this man who claims what I can not understand...He claims to be not of us, but with us, and simply is...

"I am who I am"

Alright time to go read a bit more, and either clarify or spin a little more! In a way I love it, I'm not gonna lie.

Adam and Eve

2006-04-20T14:13:00.003-05:00

Alright, I'm gonna ramble now about the Fall...those two little rascals that caused all sin! Adam and Eve...

Here's what I've always struggled with...WHY didn't God tell them and counsel them on Satan's deception?? If He did, we don't have any record of it...yet now I find myself angry at them because all tragedy can be traced back to that decision they made in the garden. But then I start to thinking about sin in my life...and what it teaches me. Donald Miller's OTHER book(Not Blue Like Jazz) is called "Searching for God Knows What"(Which I have borrowed from Mark Steffey for about a month and a half now!) dicusses this. Why didn't God just tell Adam and Eve that things such as a lie exist? Wouldn't that have been the easy thing to do? Then I went back a little bit further in Genesis...

First there was Adam right? Miller touches on this point and it struck me right in my ass -forgive the language, but that's how I felt because it sort of hit me when it was right there the whole time. So in the beginning there was Adam...it didn't go right to Eve...What probably happened is this - When God made Adam, he wanted Adam's devout attention...yet something in his human nature created a need for a companion, and God of course knew this. SO, God made Eve right then right? Wrong. First God gave Adam the job of naming all the animals...now I don't know how this was done or anything, but going by the number of animals in the world, it probably took him a LONG time, maybe even a hundred years. This was done before Eve came along...his "Flesh of his flesh." Think about it - all that time Adam was walking around feeling lonely..even though he had the open relationship with God...And after this long time, God finally gave him a companion, Eve...which was the start of the fall...all of the sudden Adam, in his lonliness, felt he wanted to be equal to God...

Maybe God was trying to teach Adam Patience by not creating Eve right away...so he would learn to appreciate what he didn't have when he got it...the same way he teaches me patience nad other things through my sin. AND, the same way we go through sadness and struggles only so we can fully appreciate and understand what joy and happiness can be given to us through Him. I don't know if this makes sense...I'm gonna end hear and write on something else now!

Better off Naked?

2006-04-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

Alright...sort of building on my last incoherent response to Donald Miller's book, I reflect on the life Jesus lived trying to compare it to me and my search of a vocation!

Jesus liked people, nobody would argued with that. He was ALWAYS with people...his entire ministry revolved around people. Think about the religious system of Christianity - if you were going to start a religion, what would you do..

Sit down and write it out right? That's what Muhammad did, and Joseph Smith did...this seems a logical way to communicate new ideas...but not Jesus. What did he do - he made friends, recruited followers, and disciples, and left the writing to others...writing didn't interest him. He didn't sit down and write a mission statement. He let other people write, testify, and witness HIM. He didn't have anything to prove...he knew what he was. All of the Gospels reveal Christ, a Christ who attended parties with people, ate and drank with people, prayed with people, traveled and worked with people...you get the idea. Here's what Miller says:

"I can't imagine He would do this unless He actually liked people and cared about them. Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships, forgoing marketing efforts and spin."

Jesus essentially let people decide for themselves what they thought of him, which gives me grate comfort that Jesus would probably like me if we sat face to face.

This all goes back to my Life dream of authentically loving people...which Miller puts out beautifully when he points out in Matthew what the greatest commandment is - Love the Lord your God right? Well yea, but...:

Mat. 26:36-39

"'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

It's simple, but think about it - WHY would He say this? We know how important it is to love God...no secret. BUT the 2nd commandment is JUST as important...he doesnt say this about any other commandment.

"Love your Neighbor."

We must make a relational commitment to God and to other people. We are supposed to be this "Christ-like" term that we hear all the time. Think about how great it would have been to be with Christ. Somebody who loved you, believed in youand saught closeness foreign to skin-bound men. He would make you feel significant, and because you are a human, you would like that. You liked to feel worth something. I LOVE to feel worth something. We all do. The thing is, we are all CONSTANTLY comparing ourselves to other people, all the time, whether we know it or not. Is there a mirror in your house? Then you do it. Do you have a shower? then you do it. I do it all the time. I care what other people think. I know I do. I say I don't but I do. We all do. Obviously we don't like to smell bad, or to have chocolate running down our neck, or to have messy hair, or to walk around naked...but think back to Adam and Eve. No clothes...no bathing...why? because THEY WERENT AWARE that they were naked! Our sinful nature makes us 'conscious' of these things...one of the first thing God says to Adam and Eve after they eat from the tree is in Genesis 3:11:

"And he said, 'Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?'"

God knew they were aware of their nudity, as they were not before...immediately human beings began to be self conscious of EVERYTHING in a social setting - particularly in appearance. Miller often talks about the "hidden" conversation going on between two people. next time you talk to somebody, really try to pay attention to what is going on in your head..."is this person really listening to me? am I saying the right things? I don't think he really understands me. Did the cubs when today?" - I don't think the mind did this sort of thing before the fall, when God and Man had a open channel of communication.

And I don't think these things going through Jesus' mind were he to take me out to lunch today.

Here is what I learned from all of this - It is in my nature to be dependent on God, but It is also a responsibility to build my life around people. My ministry is with People, Just as God's were. We aren't to become isolated from the World too much, except to worship and pray to God...we should surround ourselves with people as much as we can...Jesus' ministry was with people, so should yours and mine. This doesn't mean we all have to be preachers, or psychiatrists...vocation is a different subject...but socially, we can try to train our minds and our hearts to open up and be to other people the way we think Jesus would be to us.

Jesus didn't look favroably at everybody all the time, sure...but those were the arrogant. So I'll try to open my arms to everybody and embrace everybody I can as much as I am able - I can't do that on my own, and neither can you.

Chicago, Chicago

2006-04-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

GEEZ i have so much to write...Did a bunch of reading and writing in my journal this past weekend...I went to Chicago for Easter...here are some pictures. I got in Thursday night, and had an authentic Gyro at one of my favorite places growing up...Yorky's. There was greece and Cucumber sauce "dripping down my neck." I love it. Yorky's is right across the street from my Grandma's. If you didn't know, I was born in Elmhurst, IL, moved to Tulsa, lived there til I was 13, then moved to Kansas, now I live in Pittsburgh, PA. So, The house you see in the picture here, where my grandma has lived for the past 30 years, is pretty much what I think about when I think about my youth...and the places around it, because I've been there probably 100 times I kid you not. . My other favorite spots are Nancy's Pizza(stuffed baby) and "the Spot," where you can get vienna beef hot dogs, and Itallian Beef Sandwiches, with juice dripping down your neck. Heck, they have CHIPOTLE there, and I didn't even THINK about going...and if you know how much I love Chipotle, then you can figure out how much I love these other things. CHicago isn't the 2nd fattest city in America for nothing!

Friday I went downtown to my sister's place. Yes, I have a sister if you didn't know, her name is Michelle. The guy here is her fiance, Dom, who is the man. The other guys are some of his friends. They scored us some free tickets to the White sox game, 3rd row right behind home plate. They're getting married over Labor Day...and are having their reception in the VIP lounge AT the stadium...we went up there after the game and there is a picture below of the view...I can't wait! Despite my dislike for the white sox, being as I am a cubs fan, I still had a great time. I got a Beef sandwich there, and when ordering actually told the guy making me the sandwich to dip the whole thing in the beef broth, so I would be ensured to have some juice dripping down my neck! Dom was pissed off in the last picture..the sox got beat 13-7 I think? THere were around 7 home runs. I was watching the Cubs score on the scoreboard the whole game so I wasn't sure. And the guy on the left here had a cross on his chest...so I talked to him for about a half hour about it...then he had four more beers and started yelling at everybody - may have been the funniest thing I've ever seen.

On Saturday we went downtown and checked out millenium park, which I havent seen yet because it is new. If you've never been to Chi-town, you have to go, its amazing. We met my mom, grandma and cousin Erin at what I like to call "The Bean." THe big giant metallic Bean looking thing. I'll never understand art. Good weather always helps of course. From the park you can see the Art Institute, which posseses many famous paintings including Van Gogh's "Starry Night." Growing up my favorite museum in Chicago to go to was the Museum of Science and Industry. Oh, and of course, we got lunch - Dom and I split a stuffed pizza, which, of course, involved sauce dripping down our necks. The Sears tower, The Library, The lake, all trademarks of the Windy City. I took a few pics because I never really have!

On Sunday, BUFFET time. My grandma, mother, COusin and her Fiance, Brian, all went to Drury Lane, a historically famous place in Oak Park, to a $30 a person Easter dinner, after Catholic mass of course(My grandma is a devout Catholic, and probably the sweetest woman you could ever meet). I took pictures of it, that's how amazing it was - and there were LOTS of sauces for dripping...and of course, my grandma bribed the Easter bunny $5 to come over and hang out with us...yea, I'm "that guy" giving the Easter bunny Bunny ears...get it? Random Thought: Did you guys ever have that saying that if you gave somebody bunny ears when you were a kid it meant you liked them, or had to kiss them, or something like that? Anyways just ignore me .

ANd last but not least, the Culhane(mom's maiden name...obviously the "Rabi" family Bible would be a Quran...Yes, they're a little "different" than the typical Americans, being from Palestine and all). This was really neat though...its from the 1800s, and lists births, deaths, and marriages of those in our family. It was great. I didn't even know it existed!

Alright next time I promise I'll get into the more important things that happened to me spiritually and mentally on my trip...in fact at one point I was sitting in an airport, just watching people, writing about a few things...kinda crazy what was going through my mind...Ya know? EVERY person walking through there had a life of their own, a couple parents, somebody that loved them...just sort of made me feel small. Oh, and At one point I was dancing around some water singing Frank Sinatra too...so I'll stop there.

Cubs win!

2006-04-10T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well, It's April 10th, and Spring has finally arrived...as we're gonna hit the 70s tomorrow. Today, I am getting ready to head down to PNC Park in Downtown Pittsburgh to see the home opener of the Pirates, who are playing the LA Dodgers. BUT, my heart is in Chicago, where I'll be going on Thursday.

If you know me and my brother, you know we're die hard cubs fans...in fact...I have spent a small fortune to see cubs games in the past...and I'll be doing it this summer as well(I already dropped $600 on tickets at Wrigley!) I am still on a high seeing Michael Barrett's grand slam in the bottom of the 8th inning last night to lift the Cubbies to a SWEEP of probably the if not one of the best teams in Baseball, the Cardinals.... But this is the year of the Cub!

Just a little taste of things to come...Harry Caray is coming back...CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!!it's gonna happen...you wait and see.

GET IN THERE!!

ANd yea, it kind of worries me that they put on this "facilitated" cover the fact that Elvis was sighted...Everybody knows he was a drug addict and is dead. Now Harry coming back? That's a given...it'll happen!

CUBS WIN!!!

Serving, deserving, and Crash

2006-04-05T09:04:00.000-05:00

Alright this is going to be more of a "rambling" than a blog...just so everybody knows....I was up late last night...am tired...and am rambling...and probably look alot like this...and yes this is my facebook picture as well.

The first thing is love and "acts of kindness"...I'm not gonna quote the Bible(although I probably should), I'm not gonna preach, I'm just going to express my thoughts based on my beliefs. What "good things" do we do for other people? Alright, we hold the door open for people sure...we give a couple bucks to a homeless person...we help out at a shelter...we are active with a youth group...we go on a mission trip...we say hello to anybody we know...we strike up a conversation with ANY clerk we give money to, or any other person in a line, on an airplane, whatever. Alright, these are the things I do...and I consider myself a "nice" person - heck, most of us, with the exception of my brother, consider ourselves to be "nice" people. Well, I used to. Here's the problem...I look at Jesus as an example, and the things He did...and I compare it to the things I do. What is going through our minds when we do nice things for people? Well, I can't speak for everybody...but what I think is probably what most if not all people think.

"I just did something nice for somebody."

Not every time, but some if not most of the time. Am I right? After we do things, we realize we are doing something "out of our routine" for somebody else. Which is fine - there is nothing wrong with that...we are still using what we have to help other people - Jesus would be accepting of that. But here's the problem - how does it make us feel? It makes us feel great. It makes me feel great. I LOVE doing things for other people - which is fine...but ask yourself the question....and before you answer, just think about it for a few seconds...

When I do things for other people, Why do I do them?

Because God wants us to, because we are called as humans to, or because it makes us feel better about ourselves? For me, it's all three. Absolutely it's all three. I don't do things because I want to feel better about myself all the time - but the fact that it makes me feel good makes me want to do it again, right? When we fall in love, it feels great right? THAT'S why we like to do it! When I eat one or two Gushers out of a pack, I keep dipping into the bag for more...because i like them! In fact, I once ate an entire box WHILE in walmart and had to buy an empty box!

So here is what I'm striving for. I don't want to be somebody who does good deeds for people because of any of these...I don't want to do things as an obedience...I want to do things as a habit. I want to help a less fortunate person get a meal because it's in my nature. I want to reach into my pocket and give five dollars to somebody without a thought crossing my mind. I want to go to another country and do missionary work because I HAVE to, not because I want to or think it's "the right thing to do." Is this achievable? Maybe not, - but i KNOW it's not possible on my own. Jesus did this. And He is the only thing that can help me do the same.

It all comes back to love. We have to figure out how to LOVE every human being...can we do this? Not on our own. I want to...and I am going to spend the rest of my life, no matter where I go or what I do, learning to do just that. I'm gonna screw up a hundred thousand times on the way, but I'm not gonna stop trying and stop learning. I love this sign - it says "Love in Disguise" Chocolates. I don't want to be an example of Love in disguise...I want to be Love...AND...now I need to go find some chocolate because I'm hungry.

So I'm going to try to love as many people as I can. Remember...

The people we serve don't always have to be deserving.

Alright, Subject #2 - more of a cultural and less heavy thing - and MORE of a rambling! haha...

Last night(and this morning...i was tired!) I watched Crash, the winner of the "best picture" award at the Oscars. If you didn't know this about me...I always try to watch movies that are nominated for best picture...and...don't tell anybody, but a lot of them aren't good! Crash however was a good movie. It was about racism...and other than the fact that Ludacris was in it, it was a very real movie. I don't really know how bad racism is in this country...I don't think it's as bad as the movie portrayed it to be, but, I don't know, because I haven't lived in LA...I haven't experienced it to the extent that some other people have...and I don't think any of us can say we know how bad racism is in the U.S. unless we've actually seen it. It drives me crazy when people I KNOW haven't seen it walk around and say "Racism is worse than you think" or "Racism isn't as bad as people make it out to be." Why, because you saw Neil Cavuto on Fox News talking about it? We don't know...flat out. Because racism is a disease of the mind. It's something that goes on within our corrupted minds, and we can't 100% know what is going through another person's mind.

In the movie, there are Mexicans, African Americans, Persians, Puertoricans, Caucasians, and others. Here's my problem - they're all the same race! they may not be the same ethnicity, or religion...but we're all human beings. The part of the movie that caught my attention was when the Persian family said, after being referred to as Arabs "Since when did Persian become Arab?" Think about that for a second - the family themselves was trying to say "we're different than the Arabs." this is a problem that won't get fixed - and that's what the movie was trying to say...the movie ends the same way it began, except with 2 different people in the same situation, symbolizing an endless loop. It sucks. Flat out, it sucks. We can Pray, we can shape our own minds, but when it comes down to it, we can't make another person behave a certain way. We can encourage, we can spread the Good News, but when it comes down to it, this is a God thing. Human beings are faltered, and..

We will always see differences with our eyes instead of seeing similarities with our Hearts.

I'm the same way at times...When I see somebody of a different race, the first thing I think is...that person is...Asian, Mexican, Italian, etc. And I know this isn't necessarily racism...but here's the point. A 5 year old kid doesn't see the difference...our society shows us the difference, and we acknowledge it.

What I plan to do about this is what I wrote about above - focus on love, and Looking to J.C. as an example. Do what he did, shape my heart, and shap my mind to love in a way that is natural and complacent - God, hear my prayer...this is what I long to do.

On a lighter note...It's freaking finally warming up! Spring is here!(even though it snowed here this morning...just a one day lapse..it's getting warm!)

Belief in Trust

2006-03-31T09:49:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 3:5-6, one of the best known as well as one of my personal favorites:

"Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I want to refer back to what I discussed in my last post about Stuart's Hall's Theory of:

Beliefs ----> Choices ----> Outcomes

There is a huge chasm or void between the choices we make and the outcome where we as humans don't, and for that matter maybe can't, know the outcome. Think about that. When we make decisions in our lives, how many times for certain can we know for sure what is going to happen? I think back to the biggest decision I can remember making in recent memory, which was my decision to move to Pennsylvania. At the time, my heart was in a different place, so I can't say I trusted the Lord in that decision, but I made the decision anyways, and for whatever reason I know God wanted me here, and I can see that now looking back - if you're a regular reader you'll remember me writing about being able to look back after the fact and seeing God's will. Anyways, from the moment I made that decision until even right this second, I don't know the full outcome of making that choice - Will I stay here, will I leave, who knows...it's kind of scary when you think about it. If all outcomes were in the hand of me, I would have been dead MANY years ago! I was CRAZY when I was younger...okay, I still am, but you know what I mean.

This demonstrated a lack of trust in God. I should have just trusted him like I do now. So what can I do about it now? Nothing really...except trust more. I have to trust God that me moving to Pennsylvania, and everything in my past for that matter, was part of God's idea of what I needed to get through to where he is going to take me tomorrow. Think about that. We have to trust God for our past.

God made our past, we have to believe that he knows what he was doing! Society teaches us we know best...for instance, that Kelly Kapowski was made for Zack Morris. But do I really know what's best for me? Again, I might be dead.

I'll leave with this final thought: God knows how things are supposed to be. Trust Him! He made everything. Trust that when you suffer and when you have suffered in the past that God knows you are suffering...I mean come on, just trust the things that happen...after all, who created the things that happened?

So let's all stop crying and whining about all the bad stuff that happens to us...because its always worse than everybody else. TRUST!

something to ponder about....Like me hear, pretending I had any clue what was going on at the Andy Warhol Museum - look at those sideburns...you know you love it

Conformity

2006-03-27T18:18:00.000-05:00

Well well well - here I am again, on a Monday evening, and it is absolutely GORGEOUS outside. Pennsylvania may have the longest most miserable winter on the planet...But nothing beats the fall and springs here...That's the truth. There may not be the beautiful thunderstorms I love so much about Kansas, but nothing beats a WINDLESS 50 or 60 degree day. I got to run today with shorts on! Something I always look forward to. OH, and I haven't picked a half-marathon to run yet, BUT, I am going to be running in a 5k through Downtown Chicago Easter weekend with my sister and future Brother-in-law, so I'm looking forward to that!

Anyways, this past weekend we went to Jumonville with our Youth Group, and the guest speaker was Stuart Hall, a great speaker. He did a great job of speaking to the proper audience, and speaking in a way that was understandable to the kids(high school, and Jr. High). AND, I was able to get a lot out of what he was saying as well. His first talk was over Romans 12:2-3.(Oh yea, it SNOWED up there too...And there was a dead guy found up in the mountain a couple weeks before, but that's another story).

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will. For by the grace given to me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."

His main theme seemed to be the idea of conformity. The world today has become obsessed with non-conformity. Our culture teaches us to be different. What does this mean? Rebellion...And I as well as everybody my age witnessed and experienced this. We all want to be "different," so what do we do? We wear trench coats, we get tattoos, we get 20 piercings, we shop at salvation army, we skateboard, wear lose pants, we have sex, we wear preppy clothes, we steal thing, etc. It's true. The fact is, we try so hard to be different, that essentially we become the same. We all become "different" from societal standards, and are the same as everybody else. AND let me make clear that I don't see anything wrong with any of this...I did ALOT of these things, this is Stuart's topic of speech - and I don't think he saw anything wrong with it either, just saw a difference in the reasons for doing some of them - we aren't differnet by doing them.

We all get sick and tired of being the same, but we don't do anything about it. Our society teaches us to rebel if we want to be different...So, we do. We do what society tells us to do, because we're young and stupid. Me? I did lots of these things to. I snuck out at night, I broke into places, I damaged property, I did what I thought would make me "different." The truth is, if we want to be different, what we need to do is what society tells us NOT to do - because it's always the harder thing to do. NOT rebel. And the truth is, this is most evident IN Christians. Christianity has become the PRIME example of conformity. I think of the way I looked at Christians before I became one - they were ALL the same, and for the most part, we still are. We become predictable. We go to Church on Sunday - we don't cuss, we go to our Bible Study...We "try really hard." I mean, look at this great quote on this poster below. It's the truth...IN america, we are free - when we're young, what do we know how to do? We don't, so we have to imitate somebody else, whether it's Marilyn Manson,Tony Hawk, Jessica Simpson, or Zack Morris(MAN I miss saved by the Bell...WHAT A SHOW!), or one of our friends, we're imitating somebody.

We can't blame anything that happens in our lives on anything but ourselves. Why? BECAUSE THERE WE ARE. Wherever I go, there I am. Everything that happens to me, whether spiritually, or physically, has one common denominator: me. I'm always there. We need to be different right? Then we must not listen to society and start listening to God, and start listening to ourselves. What do we want to do? What should we do? THEN DO IT!! Be where you want to be. Be where God wants you to be, because there you are.

Stuart said all things start with believe. What is a belief?

Belief - What your heart and your mind agree on.

Our beliefs influence and cause our choices.

Choices - Making the decision to do something.

Our choices lead to outcomes.

Outcomes - The results of our choices

It all starts with belief. To use a WAY overused saying..."You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything." If you want the outcomes of your choices to change...If you are unhappy with where you are in life, or decisions you've made, or a relationship you're in, you have to look back as to why you made certain decisions. Is it attachment? Necessity? Convenience? Because you're content with where you are in life, and would rather live a mediocre life, or be in a mediocre relationship then take the risk of being unhappy? Remember - You can live a happy life, and have great things - nothing great came without risk...

TAKE A LEAP - mix it up...If there is one thing I LOVE about people, it's their ability to take risks. Do something rash - get out of something you know deep down in your heart is not working out, quit that job, cut off that relationship that is bringing you down, Take that trip you've been wanting to. It's hard...and I haven't done it every chance I've had, so it's easier to say than do obviously, but its's the right thing to do sometimes, especially if you're young. Make sure what you BELIEVE influences your choices, and the outcomes will be what you want, and what God wants.

As for me, I have no excuses not to...because I am loved in God.

More to come...

2006-03-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

Alright...Here I am...1021 on a Friday night...and my Jayhawks are playing. And I'm LISTENING to the game because Texas and U Penn are on TV...so bear with me because I'm a little salty, plus as of now we are down by one point....

Taint got by the skin of his teeth with BC winning a double OT game - a loss there would have been good afternoon, good evening and good night for him. The pick of the day was a loss by Iowa...What a shot!

Anyways, Kansas is my focus...and i am in my KU sweats right now just hanging around the house, and I love it...the question is whether or not I will pull out my hair...Not being able to see the game is driving me crazy!!!

March madness is awesome, and I love it. That's about all I have to say so I'll stop rambling...back to the game...

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK......K.....U....

2006-03-15T14:55:00.000-05:00

SO...as many of you know, i made my triumphant return to Kansas this past weekend. Let's just say It was absolutely wonderful...with an exception. 70 degrees, sun and no wind made a GREAT saturday, and i got to see some of my best friends and favorite people. It really was quite the trip. After a long day of sun and fun on saturday, Sunday was a little bit different. So I wake up, and hear booming things all around at 8 am...not really knowing what was going on. I look through the blinds, and see what I think to be a storm...turns out there is a swirling cloud of brown dust moving down the street. now when I say I looked out the window and saw a tornado...I mean I looked outside and saw a freaking Tornado! Now being from Kansas, I had seen many, but this was pretty ridiculous being 30 feet from one. A few minutes later, the storm calmed, and we all went outside to view the wreckage...trees everywhere, fallen through houses, cars smashed in, it was incredible. BUT, I survived, and made it back to PA safely. Let's just thank God nobody, at least that I know of, was hurt!

Welcome to MOE'S!!!!

2006-03-10T16:26:00.000-05:00

Alright...this is a callout to my main man Mike Love. He works with me at Trilliant, which is a GREAT place, and I work with some of the most amazing people, and I truly mean that.

A few months ago, Moe's, A mexican grill(like chipotle or Qdoba, but with an added twist of everybody yelling "Welcome to Moe's! when you walk in the door) opened up and we tried it out...and of course, we loved it. Let me give you the background...

As we sat there, Mike was ambitious, and worked up the nerve to say to me....

"Cavuto(he called me this, in reference to Neil Cavuto, from Fox News), mark my words. I will eat 3 burritos in one sitting before you leave trilliant."

We made a contract, and yesterday Mike determined he would make a run at the title.

The picture above is right before the third burrito began...

John Mackie(left) and Devin Reilly(right) joined in with me on the spectating, both work at Trilliant. In fact, John cancelled a few appointments at risk of jailtime to witness the historic event. The guy in the picture below here, we'll call him Jeremy, who nobody knew well, was also interested, and joined us at the table

This is him, here on the left.

Long story short...Mike completed the task....a little pain here, you can see it in his facial expression

And here...a little heartburn!

And after it was all said and done, we got Dave and some new guy to come in and take a pose with us while Mike took the last bite. Dave is on the right...we love dave. He always makes fun of me for making such a mess after I eat. Anybody who has ever eaten with me knows what kind of mess I am capable of.

Mike Love:

"I'm not gonna lie. I don't feel that great right now. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say I feel worse than that time I threw up on an airplane"

God bless ya Mike. You're a role model to us all.

Now, considering my flight to Kansas leaves in an hour and a half, i have a 20 minute drive to the airport and I haven't packed, I better get to it!

Kansas and Grace

2006-03-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

Now obviously I could write about 200 pages on grace...it's a VERY important subject...BUT my devotional today was 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, so I'll focus on that!

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

There are many different dissections that can be done with this popular verse. Grace - how awesome is it that we can boast about our weaknesses! THIS is where God wants us to be...in our weaknesses. Why? Because this is where we will rely on him the most...where it is easy to rely on him. It is when this grace lifts that we must be aware. This is God's way of getting us to recognize that things are changing. I'm not talking about having a bad day where we're impatient...we all have those days. This means when we reach a point where our attitudes and actions begin to actually hurt others - we become "ungracious" towards others...in a habitual way. It becomes a patter. We can't let this happen. We must turn to God and consult him for our next move - change is a scary thing, and we can't succesfully transition on our own. This is what I get from the verse.

Ask...

"Lord, what do You have in mind for me now?"

As I've said a hundred times, I ask this all the time. I always ask to do His will...for God to place me where He wants me to be, to prepare me for what he has in store for me. I am going to keep asking, even if I don't get an answer. Why? Because God is teaching me patience. He doesnt answer all prayer right away, because he wants us to rely on him...to wait on His timing. Otherwise, why would we ever rely on him for everything if he gave us everything we wanted? THIS is Grace as well. He is a teacher...and gives us wisdom beyond our understanding. We don't deserve it, but He gives it. How amazing. AMAZING BUT TRUE(okay, bad joke).

OKAY! Now to what's been going on in my life. YES! I am going to Kansas tomorrow. I can't wait. I fly into KC, a tall monkey-looking man who is 6'7" will pick me up from the airport in Kansas City...and we will have some fun and go to Lawrence where University of Kansas is. Actually, my roommate Aaron emailed this to me yesterday...check it out if you have time...it lists the most desirable and undesirable cities to live in for dating.

http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/DatingCities.aspx

IF you happen to check out the WORST places to live for 18-24 year old singles, you will see KANSAS CITY and WICHITA(my home town) as numbers 1 and 2! how hilarious is that. You'll also notice Pittsburgh as #7. THAT'S why I'm single...GEEZ!! hahaha. I love it. And I still love these towns, especially Wichita. This is the skyline of Wichita...which is about the size of Heinz Field. actually...my parents lived about 4 houses from the river bend in the picture above actually...

We went to Charlottesville, VA this past weekend...it was a blast. We met some people, worshipped together, and I even met a guy who was in wichita on business LAST WEEK! Dr. Amy Sherman was our speaker, and she did a great job. In 2 weeks we go to Jumonville with our youth at St. Stephens.

I'd like to thank Becca Chapman for all of the hard work she did for last weekend's conference, and actually right now she is in DC doing more work for the Fellows initiative, the program im affiliated with, and she is a blessing to everything as she works her tail off for this program...because she believes in it. We really all do appreciate her... Thanks Becca!

AND lastly...Timmy Mac (Tim McGraw) and Faith Hill will be coming to Pittsburgh on May 13th! Am I going? Uh, Am I an arab Terrorist?? OF COURSE! In fact I bought lots of tickets with money I don't have...It's free, don't worry(credit card - if its not cash, its free)...so if you want to go let me know! I can't wait. I'll be on the floor a less than 10 rows from the stage, should be a great show. The real fun is in Tailgating - cooking out and chilling in the Parking lot all day. Should be a great time. I love faith Hill - I'm going to propose to her when I see her.

Anyways - GOD bless you all, and have a blessed day.

90% of Life is Reacting to It

2006-02-21T14:50:00.000-05:00

"10% of life is what happens to you; 90% of life is how we react to it. "

I heard this in a recent sermon my Chucky Chuck Swindoll, and it sounds so simple but it is true. Think about it - every decision we make in life is almost always the reaction of something that has happened around us. We are a reacting species - we react to what is around us. When we are small children, we don't have reflexes, because our neurosystems have not yet developed. As we get older, we learn to react to the environment around us - we cry when we're hungry, because we know we get food when we cry. We cry when we hurt ourselves, because we know our mommy will come make it all better. We put our hands in front of our face if somebody throws a ball at us.

We spend most of our lives reacting to things. Spirituality can be the same way. I keep writing about this idea of "training" our hearts and minds to do things for God - much like a neurosystem develops. How amazing would it be if we were trained to the point where Following the lord were as easy as our reflexes. Satan throws a wrench at us(temptation) - right now most of us sit there at study it, watch it get closer and closer, and sometimes let it hit us square on the nose, or block it with our hands at the last second. With the Holy Spirit as our guide, what if we just got out of the way? Doesn't that seem much easier? It would be so great to make such a move a natural way of avoiding temptation, wouldn't it? I was just thinking about those things.

Anyways...

The other night Laneyyy (My roommate) and I were talking about society today and how the breakdown in spirituality seems to be in the family. He talked about why, and I soon began to agree with him. What do we do now? As a society we take away quality time with our kids for technology and other things. Where do we eat dinner most of the time? in front of the TV. Instead of a mother teaching her daughter to do the dishes, and to be a good wife, and spend quality time with our kids, we show our kids how to put dishes in the dishwasher. We don't take our boys out back to show them how to chop wood to start a fire, we turn up the thermostat.

Him and I disagreed, though, that things were lost - we agreed that we weren't going to take our kids back to the primitive life, and shave using butcher knives and dig a well instead of having running water. I envision taking my kids to Baseball games(i'll have season tix of course, eventually the cubs in chicago hopefully, but I'll take the Pirates) - and spending time with them that way - just kicking back in the seats, feet up, (hot dogs and nachos galore in our hands of course), or taking them camping, and things such as this. Television does tend to break us away from these...not necessarily from the time we spend watching it, but by what is protrayed on TV. I have personally seen the Sarcasm play tenfold in my life, and I have to learn to control it. And yes...its weird coming from me...the man who loves television, and loves movies - in fact I may have seen as many or more movies than anybody my age.

I have also realized this - time with God matters. I prayed about something today...and I needed an immediate remedy to something that was on my heart...right before I was about to do something else...and without expecting it, it happened. Something VERY small, but I smiled and simply said "Thank you." - so even if you have 2 minutes and only 2 minutes to pray, use it. And give him the time he really wants later on.

The last picture is of PNC park, Pittsburgh. I've been to 10 Major league parks, and PNC is still the best - I went to 18 games there last season, and i was gone for 2 months on vacations!

2006-02-14T15:37:00.000-05:00

For all you valentine's day pessimists... a fun little quarky game. Check it out.

http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=201121305&m=9259&rr=y&source=yahoo999

Valentine's Day and Saving $$

2006-02-14T14:40:00.000-05:00

Ahhh...The big day...where couples can express their affection for each other, and those who aren't in relationships can show people that they care. First off - NO i don't have a valentine which may be why I'm writing this to begin with...but whatever. I for one, and this will be surprising to ANYBODY who knows me, am not a very big fan of Valentine's day. It is in the same category as New Year's Eve - it's a marketing Holiday. I don't thing Girl's get flattered even if they act it by getting things ON valentine's day - because they expect it. If you really want to show her you care, make November 4th Valentine's day. Or April 13th. Or August 26th. ANYDAY other than February 14th. It's a lose-lose from a guy's prospective. If you buy the girl things(when you're in a relationship) it is probably expected. And you are "off the hook." You can go above and beyond of course, which may pay off, but the problem is, how can you live up to that on her birthday? Or Christmas? You see my point. And if you don't do anything for her, you're obviously screwed. No doubt about it.

I am a sap, and you would not BELIEVE some of the things I have done for girls, so don't think I'm not willing to do things for people - I would put myself up there with all the classic romantics...I watch chickflicks all the time and own a copy of the complete works of William Shakespeare for crying out loud!

And yes, I am a single Christian man. In fact I am a single GODLY man, or at least I'm striving to be. And I'm happy. Sitting around my office today, seeing my co-workers plan out their evenings with the spouses, making reservations, picking out wine, definitely caught my attention. Of course I want that - but I don't have it, so I'm not gonna cry and mope about not having it. So when asked what I'm going to do this year for Valentine's Day - in the words of my roommate - I answer with a smile across my face:

"Well, I'm going to save a couple hundred bucks."

So, until I am able to take a girl out for Valentine's day, I'll spend my time showing my affection for God for some time this evening - and I'll enjoy that. For everybody else, good for you! I love seeing people doing things for each other - the same way I love seeing people allowing God to work through them. Valentine's day is about giving - we should be giving all the time, and not just to those we are in love with. So when I see all that love being swirled around, yes - its good to see.

I get lonely at times, and I'll probably get lonely sometime tonight. And I'll watch the "Date Night" movies on TBS and I'll be happy again. Man I'm a freaking woman i'm done talking. I'm a freakin' manly man. The cubs start soon! YEAA!! can't wait to watch a game of baseball and eat chili dogs and lift weights, (deep Voice, Home Improvement style) WA HA HA.

I wish for things at times - I think of the future at times. But I live in the present. This morning I prayed for today. Tomorrow I'll pray for tomorrow, and The next day I'll pray for that day. May I be open to doing the things I should be doing today - may I be open to doing the things I should be doing right now. May I do those things right now.

So before you become obsessed and mesmorized by "that special one"(and yes I want this too of course) read these song lyrics...and imagine God saying every one of these words to you. He wants us to need him. So need Him first. Pay attention to the last Stanza

"I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasyAnd be your reality
And everything between

I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you feel you breathe you need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you
I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I want to be the world to you
I just want it all
I want to be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish

I'm all you ever need
More than you could know
And I need you
To never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are...."

- Celine Dion, I want you to need me

If we're not willing to be all of this to our creator, what makes us think we should or even can be any of these things to another human being?? We must first accept God's love, and make him our everything if we hope to love a wife the way we were meant to.

I'm going to write a love Letter this Valentine's Day - to God. Because I don't do it nearly enough. My whole life I used to just want to have a girl to have around, to tell I love, and to love me. And I still do...but I want something else more - I think we all do, if we look deep within ourselves...and I've found what that is.

[Picture is called "the eye of God"]

The Lamp at our Feet

2006-02-06T15:19:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, if you know what the Pittsburgh Fellows program is(which I assume you do if you are reading this!) we were each paired up with a mentor at the beginning of the year. This past Friday I went over to my mentor's house. He(Ron Steele) and I sat down for dinner, in fact HE cooked pizza for myself, his wife and Toks, and we ate much like this nice japanese family in the Jap Pizza hut ad. After dinner, which was very good, the 2 of us sat down to chat while the girls went for their nightly 'walk.' Eventually we played a fun game called "Sequence," Which, of course, the men dominated...but before that...

Ron and I talked for a while about alot of good things, and I explained to him what was going on with my work, with my walk, and what I was thinking for the future. Ron is a very smart guy so it was good to hear his views on many of the things we talked about. I found myself talking alot about what I was thinking about doing next year, what I thought I would be doing, or want to do, or think I should be doing. Ron let me talk, then after I was finished he looked at me and simply asked:

"Have you thought that it might not be about what you want?"

I sat there for a second in silence, kind of cracked a smile, the way a child does after doing something he knows is wrong, and said back to him, "You're absolutely right." I began asking him all types of questions, such as what I should pray for, what he prays for, etc., and we eventually got a Bible out and began reading through some passages, and before we knew it an hour or so had went by. We ended up looking mainly at Proverbs and Psalms, and Ron pointed to one verse in particular - Psalm 119:105(the most numbers possible in a verse!), which says:

"Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path."

I had been asking Ron if I was praying for the right thing - because I find myself saying all the time, "Help me find what it is You want me to do with my life...Help me find your will," and I haven't necessarily become discouraged, but I definitely sometimes feel that I am praying for too much, or the wrong thing, etc., because I didn't feel I was making any progress. Then I read this verse. It makes much sense - and it is not taken out of contents...this is one of the "anonymous" psalms, and this particular verse is from the one entitled "Nun." God gives us his Word for a reason, so that we may better understand what it is He wants for our lives. Here it is written that the word is "A lamp to my feet, and a light for my path." The Message translates this verse as:

"By your words I can see where I'm going;
they throw a beam of light on my dark path."

We must look at the Word as a way of lighting the path, and not necessarily the end. Sort of like a flashlight aimed just in frong of our feet. God doesn't reveal to us where we're going to be in a year, 10 years, 50 years. He lights the path at our feet, so that we may be able to see the next turn in our path, or the next bump in our road. We must use this light as much as possible, and the more intimate we become involved in a relationship with him, the more effective that light will be. The second we turn that light off again in our lives, we are immediately left back in the dark, walking aimlessly towards goals and destinations that are not knowable, and not reachable.

Lots of us, well people my age at least, are at a time in our lives in which we are looking for discernment as to what our calling is. Would I like to know what mine is? Absolutely! It would make things MUCH easier for me, as far as deciding where I'll be and what I'll be doing five years from now, or even next year. But it would be no fun! How boring would the next five years be?? I LOVE that God gives us just a little taste of what is to come, because it makes every day we live exciting. If I am using him as a lamp, I'll never lose my way. I may not no exactly the path He is taking me on, but I know where I'm going to end up in the end, and I embrace the journey He will take me on serving as my lamp.

As far as my career and my calling? I'm 23 years old. If I'm selling newspapers next year, if I'm working where I am now, if I'm living in Kansas City or some place other than Pittsburgh, I'm fine with that, if it is where the lamp leads me. I'm 23 - I have plenty of time to figure out what God wants in my life. I could be doing 4 different things over the next few years, and making no money - or I could find out in 3 months God wants me to be something else. Either way I'm gonna love it and I'm going to do my best at it. Because I know were I'm headed in the end, and He knows where I'm headed in the near I am content.

In the mean time I'll keep trying to "bribe" him through prayer to let me know what it is He wants for me.

The Next Step

2006-02-02T09:26:00.000-05:00

When I think about the things I've made commitments to in my life, whether it be people, sports, or God, there are two questions that always have had the same answer, no matter what stage it is in the relationship:

1) Do I have a long way to go in this commitment?

Absolutely.

2) Is there any limit to the amount of growth?

Absolutely not.

When I played soccer, well, when I played soccer ALOT, the off-season was always the hardest time - because there was little reward in the near future, as I was preparing for a season that could have been up to 8 months away. It was hard to stay motivated. And after a good season, or a good game, I had the tendency to think "How much more work will I have to do to get to the next level?" And in fact, I think there was a point in my running that I stopped pushing harder, stopped going further - and it showed. I reached a plateau, and by the time my Jr/Sr year rolled around I think I reached my peak, because I wasn't willing to do what was necessary to get to that next level, which is why I decided give competitive soccer up after college. And is also why I gained 15 pounds that winter - I just didn't freaking care anymore! =)

Friendships are like that too. There are certain friends(known to me as "friends for the road") that you may meet in college, or at work, or anywhere really, that just don't really stick. You may hang out all the time for a few months, or even a year or two (college)That never really connect with you past going out to the movies, or going to the town, or eating in the cafeteria, etc. Most people see friends from High school as that, Some people see friends from College as that. For me, It was college. Now I do have 4-5 friends from college that I stay close with, and I love them to death, and we may get to that next level, and probably willbut I haven't connected with them in the same ways I've connected with the people from my home, the great state of Kansas. The fact that there are 5 people from Kansas that I can pick up the phone and have an hour conversation(in fact I usually do with each of them once a week at least) and talk about absolutely nothing - I love that. Maybe its because I transferred schools, maybe its because that's when I did the most growth and we relate better, I don't know...but I havent lived in the same town with any of them for the past 4 years, and you would never know it. I'm going back to see 3 of them in a month, and the other two I spent time with over Christmas break(they don't live in Kansas anymore). It's not hard to talk to people that live around you, that you see alot, that you have physical encounters with - but when you are able to stay close to people simply by talking, and are still able to grow with each other, and learn more about each other, that is amazing.

The reason I relate friendships is because these relationships I have with these people brings us back to "taking it to the next step." With some people, you can't take it to the next step - which is fine - if we could take it to the next step with anyone, friendships wouldn't really mean anything - and I'd be married to Rachel McAdams, or Kate Bosworth, or...Okay I won't go there. But I'd trick either of them into getting to that next step. I'm a smooth talker. It's like in the great American Pie trilogy, when the one guy holds up, in every movie, and says: "To the next step!"(And, naturally of course, his friends make fun of him, as they should) - I love the next step, but im not about to be "that guy" and toast to it! These few people mean so much to me and I will never be able to explain or let them know how much of an impact on my life they have had - but I'll try.

But what about faith? Is it possible to reach plateaus in our faith? Is there a point where we "can't take it to the next step?"

OF COURSE NOT!

Back to answering those 2 questions - Is there more work to do?

Absolutely.

Is there a limit to the amount of work that can be done?

Absolutely not.

Even for a non-believer, think of the question, "Can I become a better person, or can a make an impact in this world," the questions can still be asked, and should be answered the same. We are in an athletic battle. We have to train, aiming for a prize that rewards us in times that we may not expect. We are in a friendship with a greater being, with God, with Jesus. We need to continually take it to the next level - its a "Stairway to Heaven" as Led Zeppelin put it - an endless staircase that always requires us to go to the next step - and not matter what, there is always a way to the next step. With our friendships, there may not be. But with God, there is.

What is our immediate reward? In Phillipians 4, Paul writes:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. "

Note the line I italicized. I'll say it again: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding. What does this mean? We are given a gift - a peace. A peace that we can't explain. A peace when I lay my head down at night that I will be taken care of when I wake up in the morning. A peace that when a parent dies they will be taken to heaven. A peace that I know if I wait and have faith in God, that I will find my calling and will have all my needs met. And indescribable peace. A peace that can be felt, and seen, but not explained.

So I'm going to always do whatever I have to do to get to the next step - in everything I do. I'll put my whole heart into it - and if I am not, I'll pray to find out what I need to be doing to get there. And in the mean time, I'll embrace Grace, as always, and live in this peace that is described in Phillipians 4. This last line is the same verse, from The Message translation:

"Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Let us all find what it means to have God displace our worry, and feel comforted.

2006-01-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

I have just one statement to say to start this week...
Troy Polamalu is a stud, there is no denying it...but....

I'll say it - not to upset people, but just because. Seahawks - 27 Steelers - 24 Expect a big game from Bobby Engram. He's an ex-Bear. And my boy.All steelers fans think the game is as good as won. Confidence is not cockiness. The city has just become to darn cocky. They should win - they are favored to win - but I think this is the year of the Seahawk. We'll find out - I am bold enough to state my honest opinion of how the game will end.Actually, to be honest, I am still hoping for a miracle that involves the Chicago Bears coming in and steeling the Lombardi trophy, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen or not. One can only hope...Blitz Big Ben, and he won't be able to handle it. Expect the 'hawks to come with the Pressure. The question is, will Big Ben be able to handle it, or hang is head? If this season is at all an indication, sources would point to surrender. BE ready Tommy - you never know...

I love Pittsburgh, I love the people and the city. but that doesn't change that I think the steelers will lose. IN fact...I think somehow, someway, Super Bowl XX will be repeated, and the Bears will win. THAT would be a dream come true....and Mike Ditka will be back, and be hoistered above a crowd and carried off of the field...what a beautiful thing...

You won't handle the blitzes Big Ben, so hang your head...Maybe next year you'll get that one for the thumb - Lets go Buccos!!! (I do love the buccos - but it is the year of the CUB!)

The car, the Hummer and the Jr Bacon Cheeseburger

2006-01-26T12:07:00.000-05:00

So...if you know me you know that, well, I'm kind of an idiot. So here's a nice little story for you...

Yesterday, My boss, Dan Hoey, who is the man, asked me to drop off the biggest bottle of Wine I've ever seen off at a house - it was purchased at a charity auction. So I said "Sure! I'll do it on my way home." Of course it started snowing like crazy that afternoon...messing up the roads and everything. I get to the house, no problem(it's a HUGE house by the way...not surprisngly...I mean this was a BIG bottle of wine!), and leave my car running and run up to the front door. I have a 2 minute small talk conversation with my guy, run back to the car, and get in...no, wait. The door is locked. If you know me, you know that I NEVER lock my car, so this was ridiculous...I must have hit the lock button with the HUGE box or something. Anyways...so there I am...in the middle of nowhere, at a huge rich man's house, whom I have never met before this day, in blizzard-like conditions(My cell phone, of course, was also locked in the car). So I have to walk up to the door, tell him what happened, and sit while I wait for a locksmith to call(We gave a coathanger a go...yea, it wasn't happening). So I sat in the guy's study, read the newspaper, and laughed at myself, as I tend to do more often than I'd like to admit. A half hour and $70 later, a guy like this guy up here came to get me in - it took him about 2 minutes, and I was in my car, driving home. But whatever...it happens, I really wasn't too mad...it was just an unfortunate situation, and I don't feel I could have done anything to avoid the situation. It'll be funny in a month when I don't care about $70 anymore! Hey - thats 70 Junior bacon cheeseburgers, or 70 Jr. Frostys!

On a lighter note, today I was driving down Blackburn Road to I-79 as I do everyday for work. The roads were a bit icy, so I was going the speed limit instead of 50 over. I was followed by a hummer - none of this H3 crap...A real hummer. If you've ever driven in and around Sewickley you know this isn't uncommon. But every time I checked the rear view mirror, there it was - I could speed up, and put a littled distance between us, or take a turn really sharp - but there it was. Maybe that's what God is in our life. He is there to guide us - to push us. And no matter how much we try to run away from Him, He's always gonna be there - right in our rear view mirror. Keeping us in check. When you sin, what's the first thing you do - or should do at least? - confess. You see God in that rear view mirror, and know that he just saw what you did.

So I'm gonna keep that hummer right there in the rearview mirror, and not forget it's there.

Blue Like Jazz, part 2

2006-01-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

This is the second half of the BLUE LIKE JAZZ piece I was writing – if anybody cares --

--Tuesday, Dec. 27

Well, the eating frenzy has continued. I am fat. Next subject…

Today the weather was beautiful…it was sunny and got up to about 50, so I spent a lot of the day outside hiking around, up to the top of the mountain and down to the lake. Adam’s Uncle, Aunt, brother and fiance, and cousins are here, so I am really “that guy” being the dark skinned non-family member, just hanging around the house…but I make them laugh so I’m hanging in there…Oh yea, and Adam passed out in the bathroom last night. Poor guy…

Anyways, I’m just about done with Blue Like Jazz, and I’ve sort of been scared lately of the material. It’s a great read and I think I can relate to it a little too much actually. The reason it’s kinda scary is because it isn’t the Bible, and I do a lot of the things that Miller says are fine, and I’m not really sure that they are.

Anyways…on page 60…really good stuff, and relatable for me because it is something I went through in a similar fashion, as I’m sure many people experience. Miller says:

“I seemed to have been provided answers to questions I had yet to ask, questions that God sensed or had even instilled in the lower reaches of my soul. The experience of becoming a Christian was delightful.”

He goes on in the next paragraph to say that he doesn’t feel Joy is long term – that it is a temporal thing. This is what scares me. The Bible teaches us that Christ can provide us with lasting joy, and I have been trying and trying to experience this joy, but I feel exactly as Miller does…it comes in spurts, and never lasts; however, it always comes back. I wasn’t sure at first if this was an acceptable conclusion to draw from God’s love, but I think it is. Why do I become unsatisfied, or why am I not always comfortable with this “lasting” joy that I am promised? Because I screw it up – I think about the times that I am not joyful, and those are the times that I fall into temptation, and feel distanced from God. God wants to give me joy, and I have to let him.

Anyways, back to the quote above. Miller said that “the experience of becoming a Christian was delightful.” Absolutely. I can’t remember a time feeling more joyful then that moment when I became a Christian in Wichita, KS. I was new! I was forgiven – I was part of a Kingdom that was built, and it was so easy. While I have been more satisfied in recent days than back then, I have yet to experience that level of joy again…which worries me. It should be easy right? My problem is a little bit of pride, and a little bit of unacceptance. I don’t lack this feeling of joy because of my lack of faith, its because of my disgust with myself. In order for us to be fully satisfied in God we have to realize that we are going to screw up, and we have to accept the grace of God…which means I need to accept God’s forgivness of me. It’s hard to do, but in the words of Brooks & Dunn, “it’s getting’ better all the time.”

On page 86, he gives a brief explaination of his view on love, and having been infatuated emotionally and physically with girls before(or I guess I should say "women" now as I've learned - since they tur 16 they dont like to be "girls" anymore - of course my mom loves it when I call her a girl because it makes her feel younger!), as many of us are, I can relate. When I first became a Christian, as I said, I was happy. I did nothing about it. 2-3 years went by before I really understood what it meant to be happy. I let emotions, pride, “lack of” humbleness, get in the way. One thing I feel I did do well is to love others, something that has resonated deep within me for as long as I can remember…and now it has such more meaning.

Anyways, for the last year I’ve been trying to discipline myself in my spiritual life – trying to set time aside to pray, read the word, etc. But it didn’t really change my behavior. I learned more, sure, but let’s be honest – about 99% of the time I know what I’m supposed to and not supposed to do, and reading the Bible wasn’t going to change that, but I knew I was supposed to be reading the Bible - So I did. I then think about the way I behave in general. I am always me. I used to actually take pride in who I was – before I was a Christian. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and loved doing that. I wanted to be me, but that meant being somebody else. Does that make sense? Miller wrote and it struck me…as I said before, I’ve went through so many of these phases:

“Everybody wants to be fancy and new. Nobody wants to be themselves. I mean, maybe people want to be themselves, but they want to be different, with different clothes or shorter hair or less fat. It’s a fact. If there was a guy who just liked being himself and didn’t want to be anybody else, that guy would be the most different guy in the world and everybody would want to be him.” The thing is, no human can accomplish this. Jesus Did, but although we want to, we can’t. For me, I didn’t want to be myself, I wanted myself to be different than anybody else…I just wanted to be what everybody else wasn’t. But that wasn’t who I was, that was who I was trying to be.''

If I had feelings of love come over me, for a woman, do you think I changed my behavior? Maybe not entirely, but of course I did…come on now. The stare of a beautiful woman’s eyes that you have strong feelings for can level you, there is no denying it. Anybody who says “no woman is going to change me” is out of their mind, or they have never really cared about a woman. She won’t necessarily change who you are, but you better believe you are going to act different. Even if it’s just "not feeling good" when your friends are going out(to maybe do something with her of course), or paying attention to how you smell, how you eat, or even buying something for yourself without noticing that woman at home who you adore and who adores you, and putting her needs before your own. And it’s a wonderful feeling.

Miller uses the analogy of Lucentio’s pursuit of Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew"(Shakespeare), one of my all-time favorites. If you haven’t read it and love sappy love stories(its funny too), it’s a great lesson. Kindness, patience, and love are all that is needed to win his bride. That's it - sounds easy doesn't it - yea right. These things make me think of my relationship with God, and how I can allow my behavior to change because of Him. I couldn’t change my behavior on my own for anything…Even when I was disciplining myself. But falling in love accomplished all of that for me. When I began to fall in love with a woman, my behavior changed. You realize that another person’s needs are so much more important than your own, and that you actually want to please them. That is what Miller says we need to do with God.
“By accepting God’s love for us, we fall in love with Him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey.”

The reason this scared me is because this lesson isn’t something that can be accomplished through the Word, or just through prayer, although it helps. I have to accept God’s love. That’s all. If I do that, I fall in love with him, and realize the importance of Him and put His needs, and therefore essentially every other person’s needs, for my own. Now that is a goal worth striving for. I want that fuel. I need that fuel.

Miller’s last 2 sentences in chapter 7 is beautiful…especially the last line.

“In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar’s kingdom is better than a proud man’s delusion.” random fact: the picture of shakespeare is the only one of him known to exist - all others are adaptations or recreations of this Yea i know, who cares

Camels - watch out they spit

2006-01-20T21:24:00.001-05:00

We started our new class this morning, called "Engaging Contemporary Culture." It should be really interesting...this week's readings were about the role Christianity plays in art. The readings included writings by Begbie, Steve Turner, as well as the speech given by Aleksander Solzhenitsyn after winning the Nobel Prize in literature.

We also started How to Read the Bible for All it's Worth, which was very interesting. Betty Douglas, our instructor, thought it is a good read for ALL books, not just the Bible. It brings up the idea of reading with exegesis, which is "the careful, systematic study of the Scripture to discover the original, intended meaning." I recommend reading this if you ever struggle with reading the Word. Which is most of us! The example they gave in the book is the story in Mark, Matthew and Luke of Jesus saying that it is easier for a camel(watch out, they spit) to go through the eye of a needle rather than for a rich man to get into heaven. Fee and Stuart(the authors) say that in reality it is widely believed(and I had thought so as well) that there was a gate in Jerusalem known as "the Needle's eye." But apparantly according to the authors there is no historical evidence to suggest any evidence supporting this myth until after the 11th century. Therefore Jesus most likely was in fact referring to an actualy needle, which of course it would be impossible for a camel to enter. Just an example of the importance of "exogesis."

The one "take-away" I had was something Professor Douglas said to us. She referred to her apporoach to Christianity, which is very similar to my belief, but she worded it beautifully. She quoted Matthew 18:3 -

"And he said: 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven'"

How wonderful. We MUST live our lives like 5-year olds. What Mrs. Douglas was referring to is that we must be willing to accept the fact that we are going to get ito trouble...as children often do, in the kind of trouble that we would need help to get out of. Jesus gets us out of that trouble.

Well I need to run - all nighter with the youth group! Movie, ice skating down town, bowling, lazer tag, and Hopefully some ritalin for the kids! Oh who am I kidding, I'll need some too.

UPDATE: - pictures from the night that ended at 7am...I'm still tired. And I definitely acted like a 5 year-old. Me and The Raj-mahal

Tristan and Isolde

2006-01-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

Nobody will go see this movie with me. Come on...they said in the preview..."Before Romeo and Juliet...there was Tristan and Isolde..."

That's all I needed - I'll see it by myself for crying out loud! I like this video though...when the girl is walking on the beach and you can see the ripples(at the end) - it's great. and the song has a nice little "Romeo and Juliet" theme going on.

Gavin DeGraw - We Belong Together

Music Video Codes - Lyrics - Myspace Layouts

What makes a 'champion?'

2006-01-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

Alright...I was driving to work this morning, doing what I always do and started thinking...which is always trouble. Nobody can know what I do in my car on the way to work every morning unless I tell them. I could do whatever I want, and nobody would ever know. Of course I'm sure you can guess what I was doing...Yea...I was singing at the top of my lungs, looking in the rear view mirror at myself, my eyebrows dancing around, my right arm pointing out the windshield to the thousands of people I was singing to. Yea...I'm THAT guy. A nice little escape. Don't act like you haven't done it before....I just may do it a little more often than most people...I love it. And I also have realized that I may be the worst singer in the history of the world.

So...when we were kids, we always were told "God is always watching," right? I started thinking about soccer, and training, and what it took to get ready for a season. One team I was on had the motto:

"Champions are made when nobody is watching."

What did this mean? It wasn't what you did while you were with the team practicing that made you a better player - it was how hard you were pushing yourself on the last half mile of that 5 mile run...it was how many push-ups you did at home every night before you went to bed. THAT is what drives an athlete...what he does when he is alone. It's not hard to push yourself when a coach is screaming up your tail(and coaches LOVED to scream at me) - but it is harder when you are saying to yourself "I could just stop now...nobody would know." And only you and God know if you stop. But you don't get any better by stopping. You prepare for when you are around others. You are preparing for the game, you are preparing for the season. And when I was younger...preparing for that dream of holding the World Cup(I may never win it...but...I'll do the next best thing, and go watch it this summer!)

Our faith is the same way: "champions are made when nobody is watching." It's not hard to go to church, to pray at church, to believe in God at Church. But when you are at home, and by yourself...that's where our faith is tested. How do we handle those situations? And when we give - we should almost always give when nobody is watching - give anonymously, give generously. This puts us in God's favor. You are preparing for the game. You are preparing for the tests. You are preparing for temptation, and for trials. Read this passage - Matthew 6:1-4:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. "

"Champions are made when nobody is watching"

You may not when the World Cup, Like I did when I was 8, but you can still win the ultimate prize...

Friends

2006-01-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

I also watched a few episodes of "Friends" season 9 DVD last night(yes we own them all). I love Friends. IT is the only show that I can put in, watch by myself, and actually laugh out loud. You know the moment I'm talking about....when you just start laughing out loud, and you look over to see if everybody else saw the same thing, then realize that you are by yourself. What an awesome moment that is. I know it's happened to you, i think it's hilarious when it happens to me.

Being content

2006-01-12T13:29:00.000-05:00

My boy Charles Stanley said a simple but great thing this morning on the "In Touch" I listen to everyday. Thinking about the times I spend worrying about people - I love people and have a passion to know people - I started thinking about times when brothers and sister all failing. When do we point this out to them? What can we do to help? How can we tell somebody we care without sounding like a hypocrite because we are all sinners?

Stanley made it clear and it makes sense - referring to a story of Paul's journeys through his discipleship. When I am broken before God, this is one of the best places to be. Why? Because I'm learning something - even if it is hurting me. Here is the point. God often tries to teach us things through pain and suffering. If somebody is screwing up, or sinning, and it is causing them pain, maybe God is trying to teach that person something in that situation. So why get in the way of what God is doing? Sometimes people need to hurt to get God's message across. We have to accept this and not get in the way of God's work, otherwise we will just become stumbling blocks, and can often get hurt in the process. Prayer should always be the first option. But we must understand that we are NOT God, and it is not our job to fix problems - that's what he loves to do!

ANYWAYS... Love.

Ahhhh....Love.

Last night I performed a typical "Neil" ritual and worked out, showered, ate, and threw on a romantic Comedy..."Love, Actually..." (with another pretty girl, Keira Knightley[from Pirates of the Caribbean] ...she's no Rachel McAdams, but she's pretty. Although maybe a bit too skinny...)I had seen it before but am the guy who watches movies more than once. Now I am not the typical Christian, who reads and reads and READS book after book after book about Christian dating, how to tell if a person is right for you, etc. I put my faith in God and try not to discern too much. YES, I am single. hahaha. I just don't see how any of these things can really help. I believe in the heart, and God is in the heart. Therefore it helps guide me when it comes to "romantic relationships." - I don't necessarily think it is worth talking about too much...or worrying...as it is pretty simple to me - by listening to our hearts, we are listening to God. THinking too much always used to get me into trouble, and I am learning when to use my head, and when to use my heart. To take a quote from the movie "Road Trip," and my friend Paul who has said it before:

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It takes you back and forth, but gets you nowhere."

We are supposed to be content in every situation we are in. The great passage from Phillipians 4:11-13 says:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Paul - that crazy cat - he really knew what he was talking about. Just be content. I am single right now, making a little bit of money, and studying things I should be studying, and I am loving it and want to be doing that right now. Last year I was in college and was playing soccer and loved and wanted to be doing that. 3 years ago I was working and was NOT content with doing that, and I wasn't happy as a result of it. I may not always love what I am doing, but I will try to be content and understand that I can do everything through him who gives me strength. I know we hear this verse ALL the time, but we should look at its context and what it really means. Be content.

This picture is my favorite scene from the movie...when the writer proposes to the Portugese woman while she waits on tables...and the sister, who is overweight, is told by her father in Portugese..."Shut up, Mrs. Dunkin' Donuts 2003!" either that, or when the cute kid runs to find his girl in the airport...and afterwards gives his dad a big hug...the look on his face is priceless.

Okay, I love Top Gun, Rocky, and NFL football...just so I don't get any crap for this.

Oh what a Beautiful morning

2006-01-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how much water I drank so i started counting the number of times I "went # 1" Yesterday before 5 - the total was 9.

This morning, being it was 60 degrees, it had rained last night and the sun was peeking through, while I was walking into work I found myself singing "Oh what a beautiful morning...oh what a beautiful day...I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way..." Is everything going my way? Heck No....I was just in a good mood. But I got to thinking...I could sing that song myself everyday - because everyday I am blessed simply by being awake. Will I sing it everyday? Probably not, but who knows? You know how I am....

A little Kenny Chesney for your viewing. One of my favroite videos. Love it! Can't wait to learn to surf!

Watch Video:

ANYTHING BUT MINE (Kenny Chesney)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Who's your daddy?

2006-01-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

So...Last night I was at the pharmacist, and I was waiting a while. SO, I was of course conversing with everyone in sight. The pharmacist had accidentally given me the wrong fax number, as I had been waiting for an insurance fax for about 30 minutes. we got a laugh, and she was finally filling the prescription about 2 hours after I got there, and this lady with her 2-3 year-old in a shopping cart came up and stood beside me. All of the sudden the kid points at me and starts yelling...not saying, yelling. "Daddy! Daddy! DADDY!" I look at the kid, then look at the pharmacist, and say "Gee, this can't be good." She started cracking up. Then the mother said to the son - "HOney your daddy has blonde hair and blue eyes." I mean, I can't wait to have kids, but on my own time! I don't want somebody else's son! Moral of the story....now there is some guy out there with blonde hair and blue eyes who wants to beat my face in. Probably looks like this guy here on the right.

Oh yea...and I am trying to see how many 16 oz. cups of water I can drink today before 5. The over/under is 11. Any takers? I'll let you know how it goes.

My Girl, My God, and My Brothas

2006-01-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

So I'm starting to see signs...of mine and Rachel McAdams' love going to the next level. I went to see a movie with my parents and grandmother and brother today(im in Indiana visiting them) and after resistance I talked them into seeing The Family Stone, which of course, she is in. It is by the way, the ultimate chick flick, with a few laughs and a few tears...you know, the usual. But then we come home, and my brother talks my mom into watching another movie...none other than "The Wedding Crashers." - Ironically enough, THERE she is again! Gotta love that brown hair and blue eyes.... and down here below, I love the T-shirt/sweatpants look...and I know...all girls hear the song "Comfortable" by John Mayer and say to themselves "That's me! I need a guy who can love me like that!" when they hear the lyrics "Grey sweatpants...no makeup...so perfect..." - He's just the typical college guy that all girls just lovehuh? bushy long hair, plays the guitar...tall and slender...I may be the opposite of all of those, especially the tall and slender part! Eh, they[college girls] will grow out of it...and the when then do, the Seal will be there...

Anyways, I have TONS that has been on my mind lately, but I won't write about all of it. I was thinking while walking home from our roundtable dinner Thursday night at the Wicker's residence...a VERY nice Sewickley couple that has done alot for the Fellows program.

It occurred to me: I've never heard "God's voice." I realize this is a controversial subject, but I don't hear it. I'm saying this because I know lots of Christians and non-Christians think about this - and they think its a bad thing if you can't hear it, or Non-Christians are told that God speaks to people all the time, which can be misleading because they don't think they'll ever hear it. I don't. I don't hear distinguishable words...I don't hear these things - but that doesn't mean I don't feel them. I have a conscience...and after a long conversation with my boy and roommate LANEY he made it clear as we reviewed through the Good Book that the Bible definitely states a separation of our conscience and the "voice of God." My conscience definitely says things to me...if I say something mean and am walking away, it tells me to turn around and apologize....or if I'm sitting in a room alone, I might get the inclination to pray or to go out or something. But that's okay. I have a longing - a longing that is promised to me...a longing for God. All humans are given a longing in my opinion for something. Many of us fulfill that with other things, but I think we are supposed to long for God and God alone. Just because I don't hear God's voice doesnt mean that I'm doing anything wrong, or that it doesnt exist. Our pastor Geoff said he believes some people can hear God sometimes, and some people can't. That works for me, if that makes sense. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me - either my faith wasn't good enough, or i wasn't really a Christian at times, because I couldn't "hear" God telling me what to do - but that doesn't mean he isn't showing me the things I should be doing.

anyways thats just me rambling...im done. I've also thought alot about the idea of being happy. I always felt selfish praying for myself, or even sometimes just being happy. But the more I read, the more I realize, in the words of Jonathan Edwards -

God is glorified not only by His glory's being seen, but by its being rejoiced in.

It makes sense - God is most glorified with us when we are most satisfied in him. And when we are happy, and joyful, we ARE satisfied in him...or at least we should be. God wants us to be happy....so Basically it's nice! I can strive to be happy, and joyful, in order to glorify God. what a great life.

Go bears - next week the playoffs begin, and I'm not gonna lie. I'm pumped. Probably to the point of it being unhealthy. But so be it.

This is a picture of me on a happy day, one of the MANY I've had - Paul and fletcher, the guys on the left(I would call each a "brotha from anotha motha[brother from another mother]") had girls sign their shirt...so I had to show them up and let them sign my chest...this was 3 years ago I think. Gotta love it. Have a great day, I'm done rambling....for now...muahahaha

and I know i Look mexican in the cowboy hat....I love the big guy

2006-01-05T16:00:00.000-05:00

And I've been singing alot of Jeremy Camp lately...its a good CD...but he's no Paul Simon.

Why?

2006-01-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

Why is it when somebody asks you "how are you doing today?" and you say, "Fine thanks, how are you?" 90% of the time THEY DON'T ANSWER - and you are left to walk away, thinking to yourself, "What Just happened?"

I think they should have a TV show called "Johnny Monkey." And the lead detective is a monkey. That way, everytime the criminal could say "I'm not gettin' caught by no monkey."

But then he would. I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

"If you be my bodyguard...I can be your long lost pal. I can call you betty. And Betty when you call me you can CALL ME ALLLL!!!! Cal me Al!"

- Paul Simon - if you havent heard this song, listen to it...it is goofy and will brighten up the darkest day. If you've seen the video, its the one with Chevy Chase. Thanks Mandi - this is a shout for you!

In this Pic - You've heard the expression "ace in the whole." - Mandi had three ladies! she sent me packin' In the words of Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball, I thought to myself, "I'm shocked!"

Orange Bowl and Knife-throwing

2006-01-04T09:40:00.000-05:00

Alright...after staying up until 1 am watching the Orange Bowl, and hearing that the 12 remaining miners in a west virginia mine were found alive...I went to bed at piece. I wake up to learn that only one is alive. Im not pointing any fingers, but I can't imagine the emotions that the family members of the victims went through. GEEZ! Somebody has to think before saying things sometimes ya know - but in the words of the governor..."we were hoping for 12 miracles, and we got 1." Be thankful for that I guess.

You ever feel as if you can sleep for 20 hours straight? I've felt that way for 4 months. And i don't stay up til 4 am anymore...well...usually. Man I feel like such an idiot sometimes...I do the stupidest things. I know they're stupid, do them anyways, then feel bad about it afterwards. Anyways, enough whining and randomness.

I'm trying to learn God's will for my life ....surprise surprise...as we all are. In Matthew 6:25-34:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

What this is saying is almost too simple. God provided people, you and me, with food, clothing and shelter - and did the same for the animals (not clothing obviously) and our lives are much more important than any of this Matthew says...so why worry about the future? real easy to say, not easy to do, I know. But I started thinking about patience, and what a great thing patience can be. And realized how bad it can be if we aren't patient and try to fulfill our needs now - whether it be physical, emotional, or relationship needs, immediately. Satan and God say the same things - "Don't worry about tomorrow." Satan says it, then says "fulfill your needs now." God says it, and says "Trust me." in order to do this, we must be patience. Happiness is temporary; joy is long-term. Which is more important? Think about all the times we sin simply because we aren't patient...

NOTE: I screw up so much in my life and write about things such as what I have just wrote about and feel bad, because I know that I screw up alot with things related to what I write every day of my life. I sin - I have, and I will again. it sucks - but I want to make sure people realize that I know I screw these things up alot, just like everybody else. Im a human, it happens. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do by reading and learning...only then can I begin to do it.

Look at these pictures - Look at that guy - you think i didnt say a cuss word or two after somebody decided to pour a "liquid" on me at 4 am while I was sleeping on a tuesday night my Jr. year?

The second picture down here is me chasing the you know what that did it! Okay...it was pretty funny AFTER the fact, yes...but I DEFINITELY flipped out in a way I probably am not supposed to - and EVERY one of you would have done the same thing! I was so freaking mad...I walked calmly down the stairs, walked into the kitchen, calmly opened a drawer, and I calmly yet vigorously threw a knife at him - no kidding. Basically, what I am saying is yes...lots of the time...I SUCK. And what's worse, some punk had the nerve to take pictures of the whole ordeal.
But think about what I could have avoided had I been patient...no matter how hard it would be...

Read the key verse again from the above passage from Matthew 6:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"

When I hear this, I think of all the times I don't put the kingdom first - and I'm sad because I don't feel worthy to ask for anything - but I still ask for it because i know I have to - and I will continue to do so. again, I must learn to be loved...to allow myself to be loved....and to accept grace. THEN i can learn patience. I know I will be provided with what I need...and in the mean time, when I get mad, I have a drawer full of knives to throw.

Fellows, Crap Happens, Atlanta

2006-01-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Just a picture of the fellows - we went to Sears to get this picture taken for Christmas. WOW - yea...the lady behind the counter probably hates us...they thought we were a cult or something. Plus Aaron Andrew and I took all the props and started making ridiculous noises with them, and started saying all kinds of stuff that probably wasn't appropriate. Let's just say we weren't very professional. BUT, we had a great time, had a great time at our xmas party, and let the girls decide which picture to accept because they didn't seem to like any of them. I have more to write about "Blue Like Jazz" - I'm done with it - but I am too lazy to type it all up right now.

A couple thoughts I've had lately...

Have you ever tried to discipline yourself? - Let's say you do something wrong, you sin. This happened to me recently, and I confessed, but still felt uneasy. So I punished myself (i.e. made promises to God) - I don't know if this is what we're supposed to do though, ya know? It's almost as if I'm saying "God can't fix me, so I'll try to fix myself." - but I don't know if that is the case. I just don't feel that I need to do certain things. PLUS, the promise I made would actually help me not fall into the same temptation - okay, I've concluded its okay then under these circumstances!

When flying home from my trip to The dirty south - I got stuck in Atlanta - I always get stuck in Atlanta. No matter what I'm doing or where I'm going, I always seem to end up in Atlanta! It's the 5th time I've been there in 12 months, passing through it or flying through it or whatever. But I was talking on the phone and getting apologies - because i was stuck at the airport for countless hours, put in a hotel for 3 hours, etc. but I didn't feel any type of anger about it - I was saying to myself "I'm getting what I deserve" - I actually found it kind of amusing. The two times that I KNOW I've sinned in the past few weeks (other than unconscious sins such as things we think, etc. I'm talking about actualy actions) Something weird has happened that has made me laugh - the first time was my winshield getting cracked - the next day at 7am actually - and this time the whole airport debocle. YES, I know it may be cooincidence as many people w/ differents types of faith believe - but I LOVE that these things happened, because it keeps me realizing what do and not to do, and who is really in charge of my life. I know some people believe different things, but I ask for these sort of things to happen to keep me in check sadly enough...and I am thankful for them (as long as they aren't too bad...because I know I deserve much worse sometimes!) Crap happens sometimes for good reasons. Deal with it.

I am currently praying for 2 things -

the acceptance of Love, because I don't think I've been doing this succesfully and am not even really confident that I am able to,

and encouraging others - I find sometimes sarcasm and other things get in the way of what I truly want to do, which is encourage people - I know a part of a marriage that is VERY important is being with someone that enourages you, and that you encourage, so that you can grow together. I want to keep becoming that man.

So...The gyms are all much more crowded now. EVERYBODY wants to keep those resolutions. I'm sure 75% of the people on here made some sort of resolution to work out more or eat better. I for one plan to eat more often...yes...but I am going to cut back on the sweets. And I am still planning on running my half-marathon in April, and the hardcore training begins February 1. Anybody want to join me?

2005-12-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

I’m being “that guy” right now…I just got through watching the Giants game with my friend Adam who I am spending Christmas with in Butler, TN. After reading for a bit, I have now busted out the laptop, am sitting in a large room with huge windows overlooking the Appalachian forests and a lake, reflecting on what I read, and I have a pen behind my ear. Yea, I’m definitely “that guy.” It is really beautiful out here though. Temps are in the 40s-50s, and its been sunny the past 2 days. We don’t have internet, so I’ll tell you that I’m writing this on Christmas Eve. I gained 10 pounds last night of Christmas goodies, and after having a couple beers, felt the holiday weight TENFOLD!

Anyways, back to my reading. After fighting the urge to read it, as I often do when I am recommended a book to read by multiple friends, I bought Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and after 24 hours, as promised by those who recommended, I am more than halfway done with the book. And, of course, it is a very good read as well. I’ll copy the opening paragraph so you can get an idea of the theme of the book. Miller is referring to seeing a jazz musician play on the street for 15 minutes, and never opening his eyes:

“…After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn’t resolve. But that was before any of this happened.”

Actions speak louder than words.

I plan on writing a number of times on this book, and actually plan on maybe reading another book or two this week, lots of things have been going through my head being up here in the mountains and I love having the time to get some things straight in my head, some time to pray and read – and I am thankful for this time that has been given to me.

On page 57, he says the following…if you’ve read it, it’s the chapter about the Penguin sex. If you haven’t read it, well, the title of that chapter will probably make you want to!

“I don’t think you can explain how Christian faith works either. It is a mystery. I love this about Christian spirituality. It cannot be explained, and yet it is beautiful and true. It is something you feel, and it comes from the soul.”

Anybody who has discussed faith with me knows this is similar to how I feel. The word indescribable comes to mind. Isn’t it ironic that the only word I can think of to “describe” faith is “indescribable?” Anyways, what better way. I can tell you why I pray, or why I go to church, or why I’m a Christian. I’d love to tell you these things, they are simple answers. But I can’t describe to you the joy I feel when I am sitting in the airport, and a lady who is cleaning the floors around me stops me when I’m reading a book and begins asking me about Christmas, my plans, and I end up talking to her for 20 minutes (which happened yesterday) and I can only smile and pray afterwards…I can’t describe to you what it feels like to wake up in the morning, knowing that there is something to be done today, that something God can do through me could change the life of another human being (which happened today). I can’t. And that’s awesome. That is why I am still intrigued by the Christian faith. Not because I can tell everybody what I feel all the time and how good it makes me feel. I’m still intrigued by it, because the things that matter the most, I can’t describe it to another person. I can’t explain it to anyone. Because I feel that while you can tell somebody about Christ and what he did, and tell them about living a Christian life, but you can’t tell somebody about a relationship with God, or how to do it. That true relationship with God, much like a relationship with another person, can be experienced by anybody, but properly explained by nobody.

This ties back to what I had written once about Evangelism – I have always said that the people who have influenced me the most in my life are those that didn’t say things to me, but those who I was able to observe; the Christians that have taught me the most are those that teach me with the way they live their lives, the way they treat people, and the way they treat me. Not by what they say, or what they believe, but by what they do. This is why I relate to the Miller story so intricately. This is what I mean by saying a relationship with God can’t truly be explained, only experienced; but if you intend on letting others know the experience you are having, why not let them observe the experience by the way we live our lives? Who wouldn’t want that experience themselves?

And on a side, personal note – today I have eaten 4 rice crispie treats, some cheese and crackers, 2 chocolate covered pretzels (jumbo pretzels), a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, probably about 10 mini powder sugar covered chocolate chip cookies, and some sort of vanilla flavored crème cookie sandwich.

Oh yea, plus bacon, English muffins(2) and eggs for breakfast, 3 giant meatballs for lunch, and scalloped potatoes, green pea casserole, and ham for dinner. And 2 miller lites. It was a good day.

Who the Hell am I?

2005-12-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

I think about this ALL the time. Here I am, trying my best to live a Godly life, and am doing MUCH better at it now than I used to, that's a fact - although I do tend to suck at it quite often still. But I began remembering certain situations in my life when I would knowingly sin...which is obviously something that has to be addressed. You know when you're mad, because something didn't work out, some girl (or guy - NOT in my case despite what my friends might say) doesn't like you anymore, or your money situation is bad. I know I used to feel that all the time, and I basically found myself sinning (usually through the "beverages") just because I thought it was okay because I thought I was getting screwed in some other part of life.

Then I found myself saying "well, If I just had this one thing...then I could live a Godly life, but I really need this." Or, when thinking about the future I'd sometimes say, in fact I said this one ALL the time..."If I can just get to marriage...when I meet the woman I'm going to marry, then I'll settle down and start living the good Christian life I'm supposed to live, but for now, I'm gonna (in the words for the artist formerly known as prince) party like it's 1999, and worry about all that Bible stuff down the road!" EVERYBODY i think says that at some point. I mean, it's not hard to live a Christian life when you're married right? There's no need to lust, or drink, or be angry at the world...because God has provided you with a woman that adores you, and that you adore.

Who the hell am I? Seriously. I'm going to say it again, purposely saying it the way I am.

Who the hell am I?

I'm basically giving God an ultamatem. What was I thinking?? I don't deserve anything that I am given: my life, my love for food, my amazing friends. NOTHING. It is only by the Grace of God that I am alive, and only by the grace of God that I am given a second chance. Genesis 28:15 says:

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

What more do I need. Do I really think God won't come through on the promises he has made to me? Yet there I was, basically telling Him that I needed to have proof that he existed...and that he hadn't given me enough, basically that I knew what was best for me.

Who the Hell was I to ask for that?

Thanks Lord for giving me an understanding heart, and enabling me to see what a freakin' idiot I can be sometimes.

1 Cor. 2:11 -

"For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."

I'm not the spirit of God...and I tried to know the thoughts of God through my own mind. We must pray...constantly pray...through the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us if we wish to know God's Will for our lives. Come on God, Just TELL us!! Give us that memo - I don't want to be the guy from Office space - I mean, when I do something stupid, how often do I hear God say something equivalent to the timeless quote - "Did ya get that memo?" NO! I NEVER GET THE MEMO!! That was a joke...

I think you have my stapler?

The Notebook

2005-12-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

Being a fan of all chickflicks, I thought I would write about the gossip I read. Yes, it's about "The Notebook." I think Rachel McAdams is GORGEOUS, and her and Ryan Gosling, the "guy" from the movie might be getting engaged. Oh well...But come on, I might be a romantic freak but you know you'd love to kiss a girl in the rain like this...

It's the classic story...you know...guy meets girl, falls in love with girl, goes to war, girls mother hides letters, girl meets perfect guy, gets engaged, comes back to other guy, 'loves' him again, breaks up with new guy, they get married, have a family, she gets amnesia, gets put in a care center, guy stays with her, tells her the story ever day, guy sneaks off to girls room at night, they die together in bed..... I've seen it a hundred times....

I think i may write bad romance novels when I'm older...I kinda love this sappy crap. The picture of Rocky at the bottom is to bring out some masculinity, because I love rocky. Watching guys beat the crap out of each other is awesome...and Football of course.

The truth is, we all somewhere, deep down, want to have a love like this. Will we ever get it? Maybe, Maybe not, that's not for us to decide. All I know is whoever I end up with will definitely be getting it

Home for Christmas?

2005-12-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend this past weekend, my brother was in town so it was good to hang out with him, and we went to the Bears/Steelers "Blizzardfest" Sunday and watched our team lose for the 2nd time this year in person (they've only lost four). We are a jinx.

So last week I was talking to my mom about coming home for Christmas, which I had every intention of doing, and I had already made arrangements at work for time off. She calls me and says "Uh, do you think you could come in January instead of Christmas?" I then reacted "Uh, yea, I guess" - but come on! What the heck was that all about?? Her reasoning was that my brother couldn't come til Jan., my grandma would be able to come then as well, they would be moving into a new house in late December, and she would be able to take a whole weekend off.

A bit uneasy...that night I began making calls and arrangements to get the heck out of dodge for xmas. I'll be leaving on a jet plane. After weighing my options, I said screw it, dropped $260 on 2 one-way tickets, and made my decision. I'm flying into Atlanta, GA - my friend Adam(This is us at Ryan Kelley's wedding - we were the best men) is picking me up at the airport and I'm spending Christmas with him and his family in Tennessee. We are gonna go skiing and just hang out I guess...if I don't die we'll go to the University of Georgia in Athens, GA, for a night or two, then down to Orlando, FL for the New Year with my brother....while it may not be warm enough to swim...I'll definitely be getting some sun on the beach. I need a good tan(ha!). Then I'll fly out of Jacksonville on New Years Day. If you know me, you will know that this isn't out of the ordinary for me at all...In fact, this will be the third time I've seen FL since Spring, the fourth time I've seen GA since last fall, and the second time I've seen TN since the summer. Regardless, I am excited...The dirty south always seems to be good to the Seal.

Other than that, just getting through the work week. We have a Pittsburgh Fellows Xmas party on Thursday night, then class on Friday.

A part of me wishes I was heading home to Kansas for the wheat fields and Lightning storms, but I for some reason felt God telling me to wait- I am planning on making it out there sometime soon anyways, and Adam is in the Air Force, so this was the time for me to head south...yet again.

Why I get up in the Morning

2005-12-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

I can remember a time in my life where I would wake up and say to myself "oh geez...what am I going to do today..." in high school, or in college it would be "Yes! It's 3 pm and I just woke up, and I have nothing I have to do today!" Even if I had 2 finals the next day. And there is the ever-so popular "I wish I could just go back to bed and not have to go anywhere today." I have to admit this still comes around in my mind every once in a while. But being a Christian gives us a new reason to get up every morning - to serve God. I can't think of anything more exciting. Dallas Willard (Renovation of the Heart) suggests saying a prayer every morning to the likes of "Lord, please prepare me to serve your kingdom today." If we approach every day like this, we will always have something to do everyday, and if we are passionate about it, we will always want to get up in the morning. It's all about the here and now. Today we have the option: we can ignore what God is doing and go about our lives, or we can embrace the challenge that He has put before us, each and every day:

What can you going to do for My Kingdom today??

I was watching a movie last night with my brother titled "Control." One line in the movie gripped me, it was comedic, but at the same time simple and intelligent. The line was said by Michelle Rodriguez to Ray Liotta:

"If you keep one eye on the past, and one eye on the future, you'll end up cross-eyed."

Of course, every time I say the line I actually do this, and my eyes get crossed, and I laugh at what a ridiculous person I can be =). After dinner we played charades at Dr. Peter Moore's house on Friday, and Barbara (One of the Pittsburgh Fellows - this pic's from Beccas house, as you can see, I am very happy to be eating[I'm in the orange]) called me the most "random person she has ever met" - and after realizing that I have crossed my eyes about 10 times since yesterday, I'd have to agree.

But the quote is good, especially when thinking about the relevance of living today for God. When thinking about the past, and the signifcance of it, 1 verse always come to heart:

Is. 43:18-19

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"

Does this mean to complete "Forget" the past? No...but remember, if our ultimate goal is to be Christ-like, what does Christ do? He doesn't look at us for our past, he looks at us for our "here and now." He wants to know what we are going to do today for him - he does not Judge, therefore we do not judge others, and should not judge ourselves. Repent, our sins will be forgiven, and we should forget them. I'll write a little more on my next post on this.

As far as the future is concerned, it is much simpler - by putting our faith and our trust in God, we are letting Him know that our future is in His hands, and whichever paths he takes us down is exciting. This is why every morning when I wake up, I get excited - think about the AMAZING things God can and will do for us every day if we let Him. THAT is what is great about getting up every morning, and for that I'm thankful.

So every morning when you get up from sleeping like this little guy here, look at the day as an opportunity to matter what is going on in your life. And if it isn't clear, ask "What can be done today - what needs to be done today," and you'll figure out what it is, or better yet, you'll discover what it is.

"Throw it away"

2005-12-12T09:11:00.000-05:00

Read the post above this if you haven't yet(and care to)...this sort of builds on it.

I remember once reading an analogy of sin and repentence. God doesn't want us to "feel bad" about sin, he wants us to not sin. He made the analogy that every time we sin, the sin is written on a piece of paper and put in our back pocket. We will be judged for these sins, if we do not confess them. By confessing them, we are taking them out of our pocket and giving them to God. What does God do with these? He takes them, crumples them up, and throws them trash can in the corner of the room - I even like to think that Jesus is actually the one who does this and the Father doesn't even see these "pieces of paper,"(Although I do believe God is an "all-seeing God, and all though He may see sin, He does not see sin in us) because of the verse I quoted a few days ago that says (Col. 3:3):

"For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

When we confess, sin is GONE because of what Jesus did for us. God doesn't see us for the past (bad), he sees us for the present and the future(hopefully good!). The paper is thrown away, because Jesus is basically saying "That's my boy, now don't do it again" and erases it from His mind. He doesn't document it, he doesn't file it away to bring up later (which we often do with things) - he throws them away, and we should pray for our minds to do the same thing

We should never hold grudges and try to truly forgive things that have been done to us, and love people - this concept of love is something I'm ALWAYS learning more about and love to read about...I could talk for hours on the subject.

And remember...Jesus doesn't want us to be upset or regretful - he wants us to die to ourselves - and in order to do us, we must forgive ourselves for our past mistakes - if we can't forgive ourselves - why should God? and how can we forgive others?

So you screwed up; so what - guess what, you're probably gonna do it again. So crumple up that paper, and throw it away in the wastebasket; because God does - but this isn't an excuse to continue to fill up that wastebasket...

Why do bad things happen to Good People?

2005-12-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

This is sort of a build-on to my last post. The man I wrote about in 1 Kings, the one who had a spiritual experience of a lifetime in Judah and had prophesized the destroying of the shrine in Bethel that takes place in 2 Kings 23:16-18. After pleasing and obeying the Lord, the man from Judah set out. a man who's kids had returned and spoke of the man set out to find this man. Remember now, this man from Judah was known as "the man of God," and was a truly holy person. He was obeying the Lord under the promise that if he obeyed God he would be able to be buried with tomb of his fathers.

WHen the children's father(who was a prophet) found the man from Judah, he offered to take him back to his place for food and drink. (1 Kings 13:15-19)

"So the prophet said to him, "Come home with me and eat."
16 The man of God said, "I cannot turn back and go with you, nor can I eat bread or drink water with you in this place. 17 I have been told by the word of the LORD : 'You must not eat bread or drink water there or return by the way you came.' "
18 The old prophet answered, "I too am a prophet, as you are. And an angel said to me by the word of the LORD : 'Bring him back with you to your house so that he may eat bread and drink water.' " (But he was lying to him.) 19 So the man of God returned with him and ate and drank in his house.."

What did this man do wrong? He disobeyed the Lord's word, yes, but he thought he was disobeying him FOR the word of the Lord through this prophet. Eventually, the chapter ends by this man being killed shortly thereafter by a Lion(this pic's from the Lion King..Best disney movie EVER), and his body not being buried in the tomb of his fathers. This was a good man, who had seemingly committed one disobedience...and yet was punished with his death. This goes to show that we should listen to the Lord obviously...but let's look at the timeless question of

WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE??

The fact is, after the fall, we all inherited Adam's sin. All human Kind (with the ONE exception of Christ) were born into sin. What does it mean to be born into sin? It means that we deserve to die. Yes. As human beings, right now, we all deserve to be cast into hell and burn for eternity. It sounds harsh and alot of people don't like to admit it, but if this weren't true, why would we need forgiveness? So when things such as hurricanes, disease, tsunamis, etc. kill thousands and thousands of innocent people, its not necessarily because they did anything bad. There are lots of reasons. First of all, it gives God an opportunity to do work. He gets to work through people in relief efforts...family members find themselves quesitioning things, and engaging in dialogue with Him. But why death? Why not temporary illness?

The reasons I may not know, but I look at situations like Hurricane Katrina, or Tornadoes (Kansas reference), or the Tsunami, as a reminder of how precious our time on Earth is, and also as a constant reminder that I deserve to die, and need to live every minute of my life in the way the Lord intended for me to do it. The fact is, none of us are born "good," but God sees our extraordinary potential, only because of Jesus. It is only through Jesus Christ that we are made this way..and we are still not essentially "good," as the passage in Colossians 3 shows us:

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. "

Our life is hidden in Christ - our "evil" nature is hidden, and it is this way that God sees us that I like to perceive ALL human beings...as beings with an enormous amount of potential, that can only be released through salvation.

Bad things will always continue to happen to good people. Is this the direct result of God's hand? Probably not - the fact remains that evil does exist in this world. But we are better off spending less time worrying about the bad times, and should start worrying and focusing on the good things we can accomplish now, and the things God wants us to accomplish now. THAT is our purpose.

"Does it really matter?"

2005-12-05T16:08:00.000-05:00

I was just reminded about a story my brother(this is us at a George Strait concert in Indianapolis in February) had told me. One(of the many) time we went out and he went up to a girl and started talking to her. He had probably been talking to her for about 20 minutes, and she then looked up at him and said "You don't even know my name do you?" My brother, who is never afraid to be up front, looked at her and said:

"Does it really matter?"

I almost peed myself laughing so hard. I still do every time I picture him saying it. How hilarious is that? But there is some relevance...

I've been reading through 1 Kings, and if you aren't familiar with the Story, it is begins with God's covenant to David, for his Kingdom to prosper. David dies, and Solomon, who "was wiser than any other man" (1 Kings 4:31) assumes the throne. After some time, Solomon breaks the covenant w/ God by worshiping other Gods. God STILL keeps his covenant with David, his servant by leaving his son w/ one kingdom, but punishes Solomon by his enemies defeating him and taking the rest of his lands. The main lesson is God's promises, and how we will always keep them no matter what.

In Chapter 12 and 13, we see another theme arise...mainly being to follow what we know God to be clearly showing us. at the beginning of Chpt. 13 we see this:

The king said to the man of God, "Come home with me and have something to eat, and I will give you a gift."
8 But the man of God answered the king, "Even if you were to give me half your possessions, I would not go with you, nor would I eat bread or drink water here. 9 For I was commanded by the word of the LORD : 'You must not eat bread or drink water or return by the way you came.' " 10 So he took another road and did not return by the way he had come to Bethel.

The King gave the man an offer, and the man did not even think twice about it...which leads me to believe that he was conditioned in the way I wrote about yesterday I would like to be. He immediately obeyed God. The key is to always obey God anytime we clearly hear Him tell us something without questioning Him. Our Gifts/Rewards are so much greater then what the King or anyone else could promise. Here's what made me think of all of this...

Yesterday at church i felt a call at our youth service to put a decent amount of money in the collection plate, which was going to a woman who works her tail off for the youth group's daughter to help pay for a missions trip to the gulf coast. The plate had already passed, and i didnt want to get up in front of everybody, so I waited until the end. I had never felt that sort of need to do so before. I found myself asking God, not being opposed to the idea or anything, just curious, why He wanted me to do this now instead of last week, or next week.

I couldn't help from laughing out loud (LOL) when I heard God's response...

"Does it really matter?"

So next time you feel God telling you to do something, just do it! Because if you know it is Him telling you to do it, and you are wondering why, come on now...ask yourself:

"Does it really matter?"

Dallas Willard And Techno Line Dancing

2005-12-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

We are doing a series right now by Dallas Willard called "Renovation of the heart." We are about 6 weeks in, but last week we had a few excercises we were supposed to do. One was to notice when we were feeling particular emotions such as love, joy, and peace, and to notice what was going on in our social interactions, thoughts, and behavior to bring about these emotions.

Think about it - what makes you happy? The answer to this question is going to be something right? I'm happy when I win a soccer game, when the bears win (Which they have been doing alot!!) or when I have a nice conversation with another person. But am I joyful as a result of this? No...Happiness is temporary, joy is long-lasting. I get joy from worshipping God...yes...but the key, according to Willard, is to ask God to condition us to be the type of person who naturally experiences these positive emotions and who naturally things, wills, behaves, and interacts in ways that produce them.

THERE IT IS. Conditioning!

It sounds so simple but is complicated. I think about the times I try to be Christ-like..and I stop myself right there. I already pointed out the issue at hand: I try to be Christlike. We aren't meant to try to be Christ-like, we're supposed to be it! Christ-likeness Isn't the same as bein Christ...it IS possible. And in order to BE Christ-like, we have to condition ourselves to be so. This means discipline...weather that is 30 minutes of prayer before we eat anything, or 20 minutes in the Word before we leave our room in the morning, or spending a certain amount of money every day on something that we get no benefit from but others do. Things such as this, done often enough, will become a part of our everyday routines. We will learn to become christlike instead of trying to become Christ-like.

Im tired, because last night we went out. My friends Steph and Caryn (thank ya'll by the ways =)) were teaching me line dances. I went into the techno room and was doing them, all by myself in the dance floor, because it was still early and not many people were there. So there I am, the DD, line dancing to Techno music, when 3 girls i know that i hadnt seen in a while walk in...I'd love to know what was going through their minds...It was a fun time. Around 12 i found myself sitting on the leather couch in the "salsa" room half asleep, only to discover naked women on a black and white TV screen behind the bar...it was surreal. I closed my eyes and tried not to let my virgin eyes be corrupted. Okay, maybe i just looked the other way.

The snow was nice...but not driving home last night! But we made it safe. MONDAYS STINK! Everybody have a good week

And yes, I was "that guy" line dancing at Youth Group at church this morning, and trying to teach the kids how to do it...

My Flesh is a weak

2005-12-04T12:37:00.000-05:00

This morning in the youth service we were singing a song...and the words caught my attention. You know how when you are in church sometimes you sing a song that you know, but suddenly the words grab your heart and catch your attention. This is what caught me, ths song is popular, called "Light the Fire":

"I stand to praise You,
But I fall on my knees,
My spirit is willing,
But my flesh is so weak."

And there it is. It's amazing when I look back at the past few years of my life. I can recall NO or very few times in my life where I don't think my spirit has been willing. In fact, I even thing that ALL people have willing spirits. So many times in my life I have seen a willing soul of mine, wanting to do the right things, knowing what they are, fall short...My spirit, which is guided by the Holy Spirit, is always going to give me the will to behave Christ-like. The theme of John 15 is:

"The Spirit-filled life is the Christ-directed life by which Christ lives His life in and through us in the power of the Holy Spirit."

Therefore, when we sin, it is not the result of a willing spirit...

But my flesh is so weak.

Lord, please strengthen my flesh to act in the way my spirit does as a result of your grace through the gift of the Holy Spirit. Condition me to act more CHristlike, and help me learn to listen to my spirit (your spirit) and not my flesh. My flesh is fallible; Your spirit is not.

I will write more about spirtiual conditioning. Last thursday at our roundtable we discussed the difference between doing the will of God consciously and unconsciously, and the importance of tranining to do things naturally.

NOW....I must go watch the Bears play. The Steelers are playing for their seasons, and its snowing! It's beautiful. Hope everybody has a blessed day. I feel soft...I'm gonna go get some steak, spit, untuck my shirt, not comb my hair, not shave. Why? That's how I roll!

Pascal's Wager - Pragmatism

2005-12-02T16:30:00.000-05:00

In between classes today we went to the Olive Garden - GREAT stuff. After being switched tables for no reason, and having some leftovers thrown away, Aaron and Barbara (two of the fellows) found themselves with $10 giftcards. It was a nice afternoon!

SO...Today in apologetics class we were studying Pragmatism. What is pragmatism? The easiest way I can explain it is the following quote from William James: "Ideas are never useful because they are true. They are true because they are useful." What this is basically implying is that Pragmatics tend to only base opinions based on reason, and consider truth to be anything that can be perceived as useful. They do not believe in absolute truth (But by saying that there are absolutely no absolute truths, aren't you contradicting yourself? YES!! That's the point). Anyways, the author goes on to discuss Christians..And brings up a very good point that a lot of us miss I think sometimes.

I think back to when I actually became a Christian. I'm not going to tell my entire testimony, but if anybody ever wants to hear about it let me know; I love talking about any of this - it's my favorite thing to do - but writing it can sometimes be pointless if you know what I mean(Hard to emphasize things). But basically, Let us ask ourselves the question - Not "Why am I a Christian, " which would be a different answer, but "Why did I become a Christian?" My answer was very pragmatic: and I don't think I'm alone. I was at a place in my life where things were going good - I was beginning to ask the hard questions, and began shaping my worldview. I had been raised a Muslim - Yes, crazy - but had no real religion in my life...And everything was great, I loved living, I was just trying to make sense of everything.

I became a Christian not because I believed the gospels are true, but because they are workable." They helped me make sense of my life. I didn't look into them, I looked at the surface of them. I used my logic to give myself an explanation of why I was living, and what my purposes were here on Earth. That worked for about six months, maybe a little longer. Then it all stayed the same...I hit a plateau early in my faith and never grasped it again - I read a lot, I learned, I went to church, I prayed...I sinned...But that isn't what being a Christian is mainly about. I took the ideas of the gospel and made them useful for me. I didn't see anything as right and wrong - I was forgiven. I read the point in Dr. Peter Moore's book (Ironically our teacher) titled Disarming the Secular Gods that said even false ideas can be useful. Look at Abortion. People will make the argument (Intelligent people even) that abortion is acceptable because it is the best interest of the child. I was doing the same thing!

Exodus 14:10 - 13 discusses Moses leading the Egyptians to the red sea:

"As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. 11 They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" 13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again."

This helps us understand pragmatism a little better. Now put yourself in the shoes of the Egyptians - What would you do? They ask in verse 12 to be left alone to serve, but they have trusted Moses, and he has led them to a dead end. They have 2 choices - Stay, and probably die - or go back, and be enslaved again. Pragmatically, based on previous experience, they, and you, would probably go back. Then something happens - the red sea parts. Now what? And Moses expects you to walk through . I know what the FIRST think I'd do. I'd march my butt right up to Moses and say "Moses..Hey buddy, come here for a sec. Look, I know you saw a burning bush and all that jazz, but come on bud, let's talk rationally for a second. You want me, to walk through an ocean, with mile-high walls of water on both sides of me. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" Pragmatically my experiences are telling me that this is probably a 50/50 chance or so of my death. That was my mistake. See the point I'm getting at? When I became a Christian, I did it because it made sense, not because I had complete faith in Christ. We have to get past that, and realize that we have to have a leap of faith...To COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY trust God...And by questioning him, we aren't trusting him.

This got us into a discussion on "Pascal's Wager" - something many of you may be familiar with, maybe not. Basically this is the argument that we are all faced with a bet in life (very GENERAL, not specifically for Christianity) - Is there a God, or isn't there a God? Pascal's conclusion is that it is foolish to bet that there isn't a God, and that the only logical choice is to bet that there is a God. If you bet on God, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. If you bet that there isn't a God, you have nothing to gain, and nothing to lose. It's like poker - are you gonna sit at a poker table and play to win, or are you going to fold any hand, and not even give yourself a chance to win. Pascal(crazy guy in the picture - hey, he's kind of cute right?) and Peter Moore (teacher) came to the same conclusion:

1 - If I bet on God and you don't and you're right, I'm a fold.
2 - If I'm right, where does that leave you?

This is not to say this is the way Christians should think at all. THIS is why I became a Christian. "Why not?" I couldn't answer this question, so I gave my life to Christ. It wasn't until MUCH later that I realized and felt his presence in my life. HOWEVER I do believe this is a very valuable evangelistic tool...I never would have put my fot in the door if I didn't hear this first. This opened the door for me. I feel it is scripturally accurate to equip ourselves to be able to handle these situations in a support for our faith...Then we can take it to the next step.

I could write on and on...I am using this as a way of organizing random thoughts, so It is very helpful to me. If anybody actually READ this far...And you have any comments I'd love to hear from you...As I said this before, this is really my new favorite thing to talk about...Learning from others is such a valuable tool.

Waiting and Patience...a silent soul

2005-12-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

Well Well Well

I know I have gained weight, as many do this time of year, and plan on gaining much more in the next month. Next week is the big Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Chicago Bears matchup - I will of course be at the game in the lower levels with my brother, wearing my Chicago Bears jersey, trying to restrain him (who can be very vocal) from saying too much and try to make it out of there alive!

Every day when I drive to work in Cranberry (About a 20 minute drive from Sewickley, where we live) I listen to Dr. Charles Stanley's "In Touch" - You may know the jingle ("in the morning light, it darkest night...He is there, and will always be there for you....") Yes? well, anyways...

Dr. Stanley, with his southern accent of course, was talking about Patience in the Lord, a concept that we hear over and over again. Obviously we have to be patient in listening, asking, wanting, what God wants for us. Often in our lives we find our selves wanting things, and Much of this time God wants the same thing for us...But where there is a discrepency is the "when." God will bring us things we want if we trust in Him and Him alone, but not necessarily when we want them, which is where trusting and waiting come into play. These two things cannot be separated...I will come back to this in a minute.

Dr. Stanley referred to Psalm 62:1(NKJ): "Truly my soul silently waits for God;From Him comes my salvation." The key word here I have italicized...

Silently...

What does it mean for our soul to wait silently? It's not that complicated. How many times in our lives to we find ourselves praying about the same things night and day for an extended period of time? What is our soul saying in between these times? I know for me these are the times in my life in which I become frustrated with God (impatient!) and find my soul whining and crying like a 9 year-old who's older brother had just taken away his pack of Gushers [Which I'm sure my brother did all the time =)].

"Truly my soul waits silently for God..."

David, God's loyal servant, said it right. Who am I to complain? This precisely means that I am not FULLY trusting in the Lord...I am asking Why not now? When? The Lord looks after my best interests, and when waiting for Him to answer prayers or to open doors for me my soul must do what David writes here...wait silently. Basically, this means God is saying to me "SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!" You know what God, as usual, you are right my friend.

In looking at other versions, I see similar translations: (Message) "God, the one and only--I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not?" Isn't that what I just said? Exactly - WHY NOT??

NIV - "My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him." This leads me to the same conclusion - WHY NOT?? My soul will only find rest in God alone.

Now I come back to the statement I made earlier, to waiting and trusting not being separated. We will never learn to trust until we learn to wait...and by learning to wait, we will learn how to trust. It's so simple.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
That famous passage from Mark 12:20 telling us to love the Lord with all our heart, all our soul, mind, and strength is about Love...but how can we love something we don't trust? TRUST MUST COME FIRST, and this comes only through learning how to wait.

We (the pittsburgh fellows) have our roundtable tonight - we are doing a series by Dallas Willard entitled "Renovation of the Heart" - its a spiritual formation class. I am very excited about it, it's been going very well.

I'm always excited about the weekend. This weekend my tentative plans are to go down to the strip on Saturday morning (If you're in Pittsburgh and have never been down there you have to go, its amazing) with a friend, then that's about it as far as concrete plans. Hope everybody had a great thanksgiving. These pictures are of the wonderful city of the 'burgh facing point state park, and of the Strip.

- Seal, out

Holla

2005-12-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

Well Well well(I say this all the time), being a member of the Pittsburgh Fellows and learning all about this blog stuff, I thought Neil the Seal could use his own page...so God has given me one! I love hearing from anybody and everybody....so if you are one of the single-digit people that read this, feel free to start a dialogue with me about anything.

And, as you can see, I enjoy to smile. Have a blessed day. And, as you can see by the "Cold Beer" over my left shoulder and the down arrow...I'm not a sheltered human being!(complete cooincidence, I did not plan that)